The first Assault Granny was fired at a group of six men who attempted to rob a jewellers in Northampton yesterday and was hailed by some as 'fucking magic,' however one critic has pointed out that the group of robbers that were handbagged yesterday were "bloody useless" and has suggested that more rigorous testing is needed. Dave Watt, author of the international bestseller 1001 Ways to Sadistically Maim and Kill a Robbing Bastard said "I love the idea of the Assault Granny. My own dear Grandmother used to box in the Navy, and once gave a burglar severe brain damage after catching him with one hand in her drawers and beating him for over an hour and a half with a stale macaroon. My Grandad eventually lured her away by playing the theme tune to Last of the Summer Wine loudly downstairs. 

"My problem is that these Assault Grannies need to be properly tested. You can't call yesterday's fiasco a proper test. It was like electrocuting a grumpy bear on the cock and then dropping it into a bath full of kittens. The Granny attacked the robbers with ninja-like swiftness, flooring one of the men with the overwhelming, eye-watering smell of herbals before she was even upon them. She went through the others like a hot knife through butter, hitting the second man in the face with her handbag causing him to somersault backwards 3.72 times before he hit the floor. The next suffered a similar fate before she rounded on the fourth man, bringing him down with another sweep of the handbag before leaping onto the roof of a transit and finishing him with an elbow drop.

"The last two robbers were trying to flee, but she grabbed one by the nadgers and threw him down Gold Street, reaching a distance of 22 feet while simultaneously breaking 14 bones in his body and the world record for Robber Tossing, previously held by the renowned Polish Giant Djaive 'The Freak' Watztski. The last one was nearly 300 yards away on his moped when she decapitated him with a well aimed teapot lid."

Some witnesses who were unable to help due to the fact they were filming the whole thing on their iPhones were shocked and appalled at the display. One inactive onlooker who had almost spilled his tea during the attack told us "It was disgraceful. What did they think they were doing? And in broad daylight? Call themselves criminals? Pathetic.

"I would have kicked her fucking tits off."