EU spokesman Stella Cronenburg gave a brief announcement this morning as the bulldozers moved into Calais, saying "After much deliberation we have reached the conclusion that everyone has finally had enough of France. There are even French people who have voted to demolish France. No more Peugot, no more Renault. No more Nicole and no more Papa. Jean Michel Jarre will be shot on sight, as will anyone playing Oxygene.

 

"No more claiming to be the best lovers in the world. I myself once had a French lover and he did not have a certain je ne sais quoi, he had the dick of a midget. He ate frogs legs and snails - what in the name of flying fuckery is that about?! In fact the French will put anything in their mouths it seems, except a fucking mint.

 

"No longer will you be expected to visit Paris and wade knee-deep through dog shit to visit a giant pylon. You won't have to put up with the French version of customer service that involves your waiter perfecting an expression that can be interpreted by people from all over the world as 'fuck you, I will serve you when I am ready, and you will be grateful you scum-pig.'

 

"No more French cinema; by the holy testicles of God's favourite dog, No! What a load of unmitigated arse-water! We will spare Gérard Depardieu however on the grounds that he regrets being French and moved to Britain - although it's a close fucking call after Green Card.

 

"We have politely requested that all French people - excepting Mr Depardieu - leave the planet. Unfortunately we cannot provide transport, but then perhaps they should have made a better fucking job of Ariane instead of firing Sky satellites into orbit.

 

"So in summary; fuck France.

 

"Oh, and Belgium? Keep your noses clean. We're watching you."