Environment Secretary Hilary Benn, who is actually a man with sadistic parents, has joined some highly paid government advisers in stating the fucking obvious for disgustingly large amounts of money.

Defra's chief scientific adviser Professor Robert Watson said "Food is absolutely essential," leading a number of people to fall right out of their seats. Some were even paralyzed with shock at the statement, although a number of others said "Sorry... and...?"

Speaking to a small number of baffled people who were capable of seeing the end of their own noses, Mr Watson outlined just how much of a nauseous shag bucket he was by using phrases like "We are clearly food secure in the UK today," the arse. Although people who speak real English are on the decline, the remaining few advised that the distant humming sound was made by Noel Coward spinning in his grave.

Mr Watson went on to say "We produce about 60-65% of our own food (and) import about 20% from Europe," leaving us to guess where the other 15-20% comes from, as all good scientists do. The most popular theory is that it grows on trees, although many have rejected this as 'ludicrous tosh.'

Mr Watson went on to say "We saw last year when the oil price went up and there was a drought in Australia, which had an impact on the price of bread here in the UK, just how interdependent all these things are." At this point two people in the room died instantly from sheer, baffled amazement while another was rushed to hospital where she remains on life support in intensive care. Another has been arrested for attempting to kill Mr Watson after he used the word 'interdependent.'

After reading the report executives from Kentucky Fried Chicken have reacted angrily to being placed in the same category as roadkill, while McDonalds has expressed deep chagrin at not being included as 'food' at all. Obese people have also complained that they don't like anything on the list as it includes 'vegetables and shit.'

Mr Benn ended the discussion unexpectedly when as if by magic, the shopkeeper appeared.