The new treatments for obesity follow warnings from the Royal College of Surgeons that many obese people are being denied weight loss operations despite qualifying for them by being great big and wobbly. It is believed that many surgeons are tired of being up to the elbows in fat people, like a vet with their arm up a cow's arse, and would perhaps prefer to be fixing sick people.

 

Dr Dave Watt, a Royal Surgeon, told Stinky Ponky "Many people think that those suffering from obesity are simply greedy, fat and lazy and addicted to Jeremy Kyle, and if they simply ate less and moved around a bit more they would begin to lose weight. Those people are perfectly correct, but they're missing something important. Fatties are often ugly too, and there's cack all they can get on the NHS for that."

 

We spoke to Hugh Jass, an ex-fatty from Macclesfield who has lost a great deal of weight. He said "I used to weigh nearly 25 stone and basically ate all day while glued to Jeremy Kyle. Eventually I decided enough was enough and it was time to lose weight, although in all honesty it had a lot to do with the fact that I lived alone, I ran out of food, my phone was broke and I had become too big to get through the door."

 

Dr Dave Watt told us "The NHS are suggesting some alternatives that will probably work, but won't be popular with fat Jeremy Kyle fans. There's Being Chased By A Nasty Badger, Move To Nigeria and Exercise. But I think my personal favourite is Cake On A Stick Hat, which basically involves putting a hat on the fatty with a stick poking out of the front that has a cake dangling down just out of their reach and letting them run after it. Or they could all get on exercise bikes wired up to the National Grid, then we'd get some free energy too. Or they could become bulemic.

 

"Or just eat less. And switch off Jeremy Kyle."