May 23rd 2009

The Bullring shopping centre in Birmingham remains closed today after being filled with the most rancid arse vapour recorded since the first world war.

The centre was evacuated on Thursday when 30 people sniffed the guff and started vomiting like teenagers on White Lightning. The Bullring has remained closed while men in big white suits and gas masks try to open all the windows and waft it away.

One of the victims of the brown trouser cloud, Chris Rhodes-Motel, told Stinky Ponky "It was silent but deadly, no one was expecting it. One moment I was happily perusing the lingerie in M&S and the next I was surrounded by a soft, brown mist. My eyes started streaming and the smell was so thick I could taste it. I spent most of Thursday calling for Ruth on the big, white telephone."

In an effort to track the culprit West Midlands Police have been touring the city centre balti houses and taking the names of anyone who had anything hotter than a jalfrezi on Wednesday night. Sergeant Polly Soffiser told us "We're looking for someone with a taste for madras or vindaloo curries who probably spent most of Wednesday afternoon and evening drinking Guinness. Forensics are also examining the remains of a pair of trousers found at the scene, although they aren't very happy about it. It wasn't pretty, I can tell you."

Bullring centre staff were reluctant to comment; one shop assistant told us "Just the thought of it makes me want to chuck. My coat's still in there."

Officials hope that the shopping centre will reopen later today so that business can continue as normal with only the usual faint smell of stale piss.