Father Amorth took a break from beating himself with a chain to tell Stinky Ponky "Satan does odd jobs here like unblocking toilets, repairing the badger pens and feeding the papal bull, but in his spare time he possesses the living shit out of everyone. I'm sure he's responsible for an evil smell in the Pontiff's bedroom every morning, and strange yellow stains on his robes.

"I first became suspicious that the Devil was amongst us when an angel appeared to me in the form of a small bat called Terry and told me that priests were being forced to beat up small children, before offering me a fruit polo. Then he showed me a vision of the Pope having a wank while watching the Teletubbies dressed as a ballerina and I knew Satan was at work within the walls of the Vatican.

"That's when I began my investigation, and it didn't take me long to find Satan at work. He was near the library, mopping up vomit, and during a brief chat he mentioned that he was reading a Harry Potter book. That's when I knew it was him, because J. K. Rowling has created a series of dire anti-bibles worshipping magic and ginger people. We've applied to the British Home Office to have her burnt at the stake but they say it will take a while to process the application. Anyway, I thrust my crucifix Satan's face and after an uncomfortable pause he asked me if everything was all right. Satan is a wily one, that's for sure."

We spoke to Derek Satan to find out what he thought of the allegations that Father Amroth has levelled against him. He told us "I'm just trying to make a bloody living, which is not so easy nowadays. I don't need some old loon in a dress telling me I'm making the Pope shit himself. I strongly suspect that's down to age and a lack of bowel control rather than demonic possession. To be honest I've had enough. I'm finishing my shift today then I'm going to grab my pitchfork and bugger off."

When we asked for an official response to the accusations from the Church a spokesman for the Vatican press office said "Oh for fucks sake. I am up to my tits in mentals this month. Why are all the fucking fruitcakes crawling out of the Sistine chapel on my watch? I suppose the problem with getting everyone to believe in our boy Jesus is you haven't got a leg to stand on when some cock digs up something like exorcism. I can hardly tell you it's a load of sweaty old bollocks and then ask you to believe that there's a guy on our team who strolls across lakes and could single handedly put Thresher's out of business with his famous wine trick, can I?

"Who's idea was it to give control of the Church to old people? It's like the fucking cast of Cocoon in here, without the sanity."