"It was pathetic" said Dave Watt, Chief Staff Shafter at Cadbury's. "They came up with this ridiculous story that was cleanly lifted from The Life of Brian and had absolutely nothing to do with Chocolate Egg Weekend. They told us all about this bloke who didn't eat anything for forty days because he'd been lent on or something, who was a King only not really and who was executed to death by the Romans although he didn't die except he did. What a load of confusing old arse water. Rabbits were not even mentioned.

"I think it's disgraceful. We only get four months of the year to sell chocolate eggs, meaning that Mr Cadbury's parrot has a pretty tight schedule. We don't have time for this crap. Bloody Christians. It's been less than four months since the bastards tried to steal Christmas from Santa with all that cock about it being their god's son's birthday. What next? Maybe they'll lay claim to Jif Lemon Day? Or will they be trying to tell us that August bank holiday weekend is when their god's youngest cousin's best friend Tim had his first wank? Piss off. Where are all the lions when you need them?"

Charles Manson, spokesman for Mars, told Stinky Ponky "Although all of these 'Christians' do indeed say that Easter was invented by some bloke who could apparently walk on water - yes I know it's far fetched, but trust me, there's plenty more where that comes from - I think it's important to note that it's the Roman Catholics, a small sect specializing in child abuse, who are the troublemakers here. In my opinion the only reason that they're interested in affiliating themselves with our National Confectionery days at all is to try and become more attractive to children."

A spokesman for the Catholics, Father Ron Hupp, said "The meanings of so many religious festivals are being lost in capitalist commercialism these days. People are forgetting what Christianity is all about. It's not about chocolate and toys and having fun. My goodness, no! It's all about... err... hang on, give me a minute, I know this one. Ummm... Tell you what I've got a book about it that you're welcome to borrow. It's over there somewhere. No, that's the Argos catalogue. It's underneath that I think.

"Hang on, never mind, I've just remembered it - it's written on the inside of my sleeve. Ah yes, it's all about treating others as you would wish to be treated yourself; spreading love and friendship for all; showing kindness to all people, regardless of their colour, creed or nationality; and living good lives so that God will accept everyone into the kingdom of heaven to live in peace and harmony for all eternity.

"Except for gays. Fuck the gays. I've underlined that so it must be important."