A report by leading healthcare professionals shows that the NHS is forced to spend billions a year on the ill, and could radically reduce it's expenditure by introducing a few 'simple measures,' including no treatment for anyone over 60 and the immediate termination of the population of Liverpool. We spoke with Dave Watt, a GP from Standish, who told us "At my surgery we thought of a number of ways to cut costs and submitted them for this report. For example, it seems a bit of a waste of time treating the terminally ill, doesn't it? And perhaps if anti-depressants were sold over the counter we wouldn't have to deal with so many smelly mentals.

"I remember when I first became a GP after finishing my course in Advanced Apathy. I was fresh faced and full of ideas for how to transform the face of the NHS, and I think it took me about three weeks to stop giving a fuck. Streams of what can only be described as working class people poured into the surgery with all sorts of inconsiderate ailments. It's enough to make you vomit to be honest. And when it turns out that they actually just have something stupid like the flu, a cold or syphilis it gets you down.

"The surgery is meant to be a place where I heal people, like Jesus did. How in the name of flying fuck am I supposed to be Jesus with all of these sick people around? They come in here coughing, sneezing and collapsing; they read the magazines I myself went out and got after the hairdresser's next door had finished with them; and they all - without exception - moan to me about how ill they are! In my opinion these people should be forced to walk around ringing a bell so that we all know that they're coming. Anyway, it looks this gravy boat has finally been derailed, and it's now boarding for it's final flight. The money we save on patients should pay for new PCs, which we desperately need as the latest version of Windows has some great looking games on it.

"I've been preparing myself for some wonderful patient-free time by signing all of the prescriptions on my pad and sticking it to the door with a note saying 'Please take one and fuck off.' It's given me plenty of time to catch up with my back issues of Withering Sarcasm for Professionals, and I've even managed to pen an article for Patronising Fuckhead's Weekly. I still have to see a few patients though, there's no way around it really since that's what I get paid for, which is a bit of a bind. I had someone with terrible weeping sores on the same seat you're sitting in now only this morning. He was filthy and stank as well. Is something the matter?

"It's at times like this I know why Shipman did it."