After a recent jewellery heist in the Haymarket area of London many are blaming the rise in robbery on the fact that it's really, really fucking easy.

Stinky Ponky managed to arrange an interview with an amateur/professional criminal to discuss the reasons why so many more people are turning to crime.

Our contact will be referred to as X - for obvious reasons he wished to remain anonymous. He has spent the last 4 years as an armed robber. He lives at home with his wife Mrs Jenny Anne Denton, 46, at 18 Linden Gardens, Chippenham, Wiltshire.

Mutated Peanuts

"I worked for a small company that made hairnets for badgers for nearly 15 years, but unfortunately the bottom dropped out of the market when they began importing them from Eastern Europe.

"I couldn't find work. There wasn't much call for my type of skill so we were on our uppers to be honest. Then very late one Thursday evening I went to the garage up the road for a packet of king size Rizla, completely forgetting that I still had the wife's tights on my head. Next thing you know the terrified cashier is giving me a huge bag of cash and asking me to put my gun away, which was only in my hand because I'd took it out while I was looking for some loose change.

"Something snapped inside. When I got home we were nearly £200 in profit for less than 15 minutes work, although I forgot the Rizla. The rest is history."

Giant Chicken

Many more are realizing how simple - and more importantly how profitable - it is to turn to a life of crime in these times of recession when work is scarce. Although many have been greatly relieved to hear that Harrods has announced record profits there's still a long way to go on the road to financial recovery.

It's not clear whether he would have carried out threats to 'paper cut your fucking head off'

X is not alone in his new career. Police are currently hunting for a man who robbed a shop with his underpants on his head and is wanted for armed robbery and who may also receive a good kicking for taking the piss the little wanker; a man who has robbed a series of banks armed with a threatening note, although it's not clear whether he would have carried out threats to 'paper cut your fucking head off' and the previously mentioned Haymarket jewellery robbers who made off with 40 million quids worth of diamonds quite fucking easily to be honest.

Heathrow Aiport

X told Stinky Ponky "I can't say that I'll ever return to normal work. After all, even if you get caught nowadays they'll probably fuck up your trial getting you out on a technicality. If the worst happens and I end up in prison I'll do a Biggs and fake a fatal illness. It's all the rage these days."

"No, fuck it. It's daylight robbery for me, just like all the MPs."