The town, which currently has a reputation marginally worse than Kerry Katona snorting cocaine off Michael Jackson's doctor, will aim to become more child friendly after one town official got stoned while watching Mary Poppins, possibly.

 

The move follows a report by urban strategist Phil Wood who suggests that Dewsbury should become "a beacon for a new kind of child-friendly society; a place where youngsters can have curiosity, aspiration and ambition; can get an education and start a family or business". Although Mr Wood denies it, many claim that his report, Dewsbury: Promoting Pride and Civic Engagement through Iconic Interventions, was a direct response to a local council report entitled Let's Get The Fuck Out Of Dewsbury Before All The Kids Go Missing Like In Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

 

Mr Wood told Stinky Ponky "Dewsbury has suffered from extremely bad press recently thanks to Karen Matthews but we shouldn't base the reputation of an entire town on one person. Oh, and the London bomber Sidique Khan, but that's still only two people. We've got Dick Van Dyke on board and the kiddies will love it. He will see off the metaphorical child catcher in Dewsbury and put us on the map for something more than having the junior world hide and seek champion.

 

"Sorry that was in really bad taste... Anyway, that would be Elizabeth Fritzl."

 

Author of Let's Get The Fuck Out Of Dewsbury Ron Goal said "Dear God, I don't really think Phil Wood has got a Scooby-Doo what he's on about. Encourage kids to come to Dewsbury? Is he the Pied Piper or something? I think I know what he's been smoking in his pied pipe if that's the case. And Dick Van Dyke? With kids these days? They'd maul him. For a start, his name contains the words 'Dick' and 'Dyke'. Can you imagine the carnage? He'd probably try and sing them a cheery tune in a god awful cockney accent. Have you ever seen a grown man floored by a 7 year old girl's bollock punch? Hang around, it's coming."

 

Dewsbury officials are denying rumours that Dick Van Dyke was their fourth choice for the role after Jimmy Cranky, Keith Chegwin, and anyone from the original cast of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory - preferably an Oompa Loompa.