Don't Push Me

PC Nick Berry told Stinky Ponky "We're hoping to talk with a number of heifers who were seen at a spot very close to where Mr Blunkett was attacked. We are particularly eager to talk with a cow called Daisy who we believe is the herd leader. Although we have hoof prints placing Daisy at the scene, I must stress that at this time we just want her to assist with our enquiries."

Earlier this year Mr Blunkett was walking his dog Sadie in the Peak District when he was viciously set upon by cows. Mr Blunkett told us "Initially it was merely anti social behaviour. There was a lot of name calling and they wanted me 'off their turf.' It all turned nasty when I mentioned horseradish. The next bit would have been a bit of a blur, if I could see. To cut a long story short, they left me covered in cud with three broken ribs." Mr Blunkett's faithful companion Sadie, who has looked after him for many years, was not injured in the attack, having buggered off sharpish the minute it started.

It's Time For Me To Eat Your Head

Sadie's behaviour has led to suggestions from some quarters that she may have been complicit in the attack. A spokesman for Sadie's agency Celebrity Guide Dogs UK told Stinky Ponky "These claims are ridiculous. Sadie could bump him off at any time. All she has to do is position herself in the right place at the right time and she'd have David behind her one second, and several tons of double decker bus the next." When Stinky Ponky pointed out that this would be far to obvious we were told "It's insane to suggest that she would bite the hand that feeds."

I will personally kill you to death if you say anything about a 'pat on the back'

Stinky Ponky asked PC Berry about speculation that a third party may have been involved. "It's true that traces of dog biscuit have been found at the scene of the crime but it's far too early to say what this means, if anything. It may be pure coincidence, however we are looking into suggestions that someone purposely led Sadie and Mr Blunkett into dangerous territory, possibly as a joke. There are a number of people we want to talk to, including a camera crew who thought it would be funny to sneak off part way through an interview outside parliament in January, leaving Mr Blunkett talking to himself for several minutes."

 

Ted Bovine, 62 year old Chairman of the National Cow Protection Society (NCPS) told us "There are many decent, law abiding heifers and bullocks out there just living their everyday lives. It's important that we don't tar them all with the same brush or turn our backs on those few who go off the rails. There may be many reasons for the behaviour of Daisy and her young herdmates, and all of the facts are yet to be discovered. We should remember that cows are people too, except that they're not; they're cows.

 

"And it's not like they're pigs after all. Pigs, in all honesty, are sneaky little fuckers."