A prostitute from Tyne and Wear has been forced to work as a police officer in the seedy world of the Northumbria Police Force in order to suppliment her income during the recession.

After being discovered by a local businessman, former high class escort Victoria Thorne has been reduced to offering hand jobs behind Morrison's to chess club members, IT professionals and the terminally ugly.

Chris Massey-Scumming, Managing Director of Sky Hook Ltd, who cannot be named for legal reasons, is responsible for exposing Miss Thorne. Mr Massey-Scumming had called Northumbria police to a domestic incident at his home in Washington after his wife smashed the back of his hand with her face.

He told Stinky Ponky "When I answered the door to her I was shocked and confused - I usually meet her on Wednesdays for a bit of light rogering. While the other officers were busy tasering my wife to ensure that she remained unconcious I tried to have a quick word with PC Slut, or Victoria as it turns out, but she wasn't having any of it.

"I could have cried. We've formed a beautiful, special realationship during the time I've been paying her to service my knob, so I was gutted to see her stoop to this level. Despite the great affection and respect I have for my most expensive shag, I couldn't plug my electric sausage into her furry love socket again - not after this. To be honest, I think she'd be lucky to land herself a five quid blow job for an estate agent now.

"Take the Todger Express to Victoria Station? I'd rather flick a lion in the love spuds with a plastic ruler."