Health Secretary Andy Burnham today denied that the Department of Health was in conflict with itself. "The advice we gave on the pig flu web site over the weekend was correct in every sense, except for what it said," Mr Burnham told Stinky Ponky. "While I stand by the fact that pregnant women should stay away from large crowds, in another sense they shouldn't." He added "You're wrong Andy," before saying "No, I'm not.

 

"You are.

 

"Not.

 

"Anyway, at the end of the day - let's be absolutely clear about this - it's entirely up to you. Unless it isn't, in which case it might not be. You decide. I'm really not the best person to ask in all honesty."

 

As the government anticipates a huge rise in cases of pig flu Mr Burnham is employing measures to improve the quality of daytime television. The bulky one from This Morning has been replaced with a slimmer, younger version for Phillip to giggle with and Jeremy Kyle is on the run after a hit squad was deployed last week.

 

Professor Yaffle from the University of Health, Wealth and Happiness in the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia told us "Frankly, I put the fact that you haven't overthrown what passes for a government in the UK down to being British. We're taking bets on just how much piss can be extracted from your average British male before he turns feral and starts eating politicians. When the revolution comes the PM is utterly, utterly fucked."

 

"And as for pig flu? You crazy Brits... fucking Lemsip, ok?"