The baby washing service will form part of the Church's bronze package which will also include half price christenings for any later, legitimate children. The silver package will feature confirmation and sunday school, with choirs and an organist 'for all your holy events' bolted on to the gold package. Although not yet confirmed it's believed that a platinum 'God is for life' package will also include a wedding ceremony conducted by Dawn French in character as the Vicar of Dibley and a funeral and memorial service. This is currently on hold after church officials complained about the strapline 'Wet your head, get you wed and bury your dead.'

 

Bella Cossity, a spokesperson for Amnesty international, told Stinky Ponky of her concerns. "For years now Christian cult members have, in the main, kept themselves to themselves, with the exception of Jehovah's witnesses who have roughly the same impact as a fly on a windscreen. This shows a real push to become mainstream however. A number of recent posters seem to be promoting Jesus as a David Blaine type figure. One pictures him jogging past Michael Phelps across an olympic pool while smiling and winking at him. It has the phrase 'Go Jesus!' written underneath.

 

"We also have evidence that vicars are being taught street slang in an attempt to reach a younger audience, although this seems to have mixed results. Reverend Audrey recently addressed his congregation by saying 'What is the matter, my mofo's? Ummm, Let me tell you of my home boy, J to the H Christ, er, dog.' I think he needs more training otherwise he may as well stand in the pulpit dressed as a giant twat."

 

The poor reception to the new plans may have angered the Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams who appears to have had high hopes for the radical changes. An insider at Lambeth palace claims to have overheard him rant "By the filthy minge of Mary Magdelene they are fickle bastards. We gave them titted vicars, we put up with sausage jockeys, we pretty much tell them it's ok to knob the living shit out of each other without getting married and the festering piss monkeys won't even believe in JESUS MOTHER FUCKING HAROLD BASTARD CHRIST!"