May 17th 2009

Scientists in the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia, working in conjunction with anthropologistic, socialogical, philosophical types have absolved the human race of any responsibility for anything, ever.

At the Sigmund Freud School of Rock in Hollywood, U.S.A. Professor Flash Gordon, who lectures in "fucking anything, dude" was quoted as saying "It's like, you can't blame anyone for anything because ultimately it's all down to nurture. What I'm saying is it's your parents man, everything you do is because of them. But my parents had parents too - they were my grandparents. But they had parents too... it goes way back."

How far back does it go though? Despite Professor Gordon's claims that it was "Like, all the way man" we decided to seek further expert help on the matter.

Despite his ironically humourous name Doctor Doolittle actually does quite a lot in the field of Anthropologicalisticals, including animal conversationalism. He works closely with his daughter Eliza in his laboratory in Skopje in the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia on genetic, social stuff or something. The good doctor advised us "If it's ultimately the responsibility of everyone's parents then you have to go back to grass tacks and look at the oranges of man. If the bible is to be believed," he jokes, "then we should look to Adam and Eve who clearly have a criminal record for... how do you say it....? Scrumping?"

"If you are not a Christain believer then the only alternative is creationalism, as laid out by Charles Dickens. This means that the fault must surely lie with the missing link, which is why - given the unlikeliness of the bible - we believe the missing link is missing for a reason."

"He's in hiding."

"Wouldn't you be? Essentially he is responsible for the holocaust, two world wars, pollution, nuclear weaponary and the Eurovision Song Contest. Surely he must have realised that it was only a matter of time before we found out that he was to blame. Thanks to our psychiatrists we now know that we have never actually been at fault for anything. It's wonderfully liberating but at the same time it makes me twattingly angry. If I catch up with him I'm going to beat ten types of ape crap from his sorry darwinistically retarded arse."

There were recent reported sitings of the missing link in Manchester however these have now been dismissed as Gallaghers.