Stinky Ponky spoke to one of Kerry's neighbours, Dave Watt, who told us "I saw Kerry wobbling down the street this morning smoking a fag and swigging from a litre of Tescos value gin and thought 'oh no, not again.' I was about to call the dog in so that she didn't eat him when I saw her going for my wheelie bin. The next thing you know she's in there, up to the waist, with rubbish flying out all around her.

"I wasn't going to stand for any of that, so I called the wife and told her to go and have a word. She told me she wasn't going anywhere near Kerry after we had watched her chase the postman on all fours last week and bite off his trousers, so instead I opened the window and poked her in the bum with my fishing rod. I thought I might have startled her because she slid all the way into the bin and the lid shut. 

"Everything went quiet for what felt like an eternity, and then, just as we were debating whether to tape the lid up and push it into the canal, the munching started. At that point we called the police and told them Kerry had found a new trick. A constable arrived a short time later with two lovely chaps from the RSPCA. After several attempts one of them managed to lassoo the bin and pull it over and then, as she rolled out with the remains of a mouldy chicken kiev in her mouth, the other one shot her in the arse with a tranquiliser gun.

"It took four darts to bring her down, and during that time she clamped her teeth into the policeman's testicles and wouldn't let go. His screams will stay with me until the day I die. Once she lost consciousness and started snoring they grabbed her by the ankles and dragged her back to the van, stuck her on the roof rack and carted her away."

A spokesman for Merseyside Police released a statement saying "We can confirm that a young, um, woman was taken into custody earlier today for trespassing and attempting to chew an officer's nuts off. The woman, once she regained consciousness, was very agitated, but a kebab and chips with curry sauce followed by 40 Lambert & Butler calmed her right down. We advised her that the chips in the wheelie bins were actually microchips, but she said she didn't mind how they were cooked.

"She has been released without charge, because she was annoying the living fuck out of us."