The discovery came when scientists took a break from curing diseases to focus several years worth of an expensive university education on how many calories there were in iced coffee. When Stinky Ponky asked Professor Tess Chube of the University of Wigan for her comments on this research she told us "Yes, it quite true," adding somewhat defensively "If we don't do this sort of research, who will? Would you know how to work out the calorific content of one thing compared to another thing? This is important work. You can't just grab someone off the street and get them to live off nothing but McDonalds for a month, can you?

 

"Ok, that wasn't a good example.

 

"It's still important. I'm very highly qualified and I'm damn well telling you to drink Costa Coffee rather than eat McDonalds if you want to stay alive. That sounded different in my head.

 

"Look, I need to get on. We've reached an important point in our work on monkey whistling and I've got chess club tonight."

 

Stinky Ponky took to the streets of Cardiff to ask members of the public what they though of the research. Mark Mywerds, a leek expert told us "Oh good. If I ever contract a terminal disease it will be a great relief to know that I can extend my precious time on this planet by avoiding Big Macs and iced coffees, because obviously I'm far too fucking stupid to work that one out for myself.

 

"Actually, thinking about it, if that's all I had left in my life I'm not sure it would be worth it. I don't think I could face it. Eat McDonalds? I'd rather let Ronald McDonald take me roughly up the poo hole with his big, ginger, fun stick."