According to those who've seen it, the marks on David Beckham resemble passages from the Gospel According to Derek which was recently discovered in a chip shop in Dawlish. Derek's gospel tells of how Jesus and some of his disciples took part in a charity fun run through Jerusalem in A.D 33. In chapter 8, verses 18-23 Derek tells us "18: Lo, and on Friday the run began with the word, and the word was GO. 19: And Jesus, carrying his rubber cross was an early leader. 20: And behind Christ came Matthew and Luke. 21: And they were dressed as 118 and 118, which they did keep saying with great hilarity. 22: And behind them was Judas as Michael Jackson, looking right pissed off. 23: And Jesus did reach the finish line at Calvary first, where the Roman soldiers had a surprise for him." Scholars believe Derek's gospel to be genuine and think that it may have been cut from Jesus' best seller The Bible at the last minute after an argument about Mary Magdelene's bottom.

 

Many who have witnessed the apparent manifestation of Jesus on David Beckham are sceptical. Dave Watt, a religious historian from the Skopje University of Gods and Stuff in the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia, told Stinky Ponky "If you stare at something long enough it will look like pretty much whatever you want it to. Personally, at a glance, I find that the marks on Beckham look a bit like a basketball shoe, or Susan Boyle dressed in a toga feeding her cat on the third Wednesday after Pentecost. Or perhaps a 16th century map of South America. Or a deformed banana.

 

"In fact, in a certain light it looks strikingly similar to my neighbour, Tim. If he put on a few pounds. And grew a beard. And took off his glasses and put on a robe. And grew his arm back."

 

Stinky Ponky visited the site of David Beckham in Turin to speak to some of the faithful who had travelled to see the manifestation. Sister Mary Annbright, a nun from Barcelona told us "It's my husband, I married this man so I know him anywhere. He is beautiful, yes? I have seen him in a sandwich in France, sand dunes in Africa, and in the scar tissue on the backside of a Mexican fisherman who had been attacked by a vicious chihuahua three years previously. And now of course in Beckham. His image is clear; see my husband's beautifully chisselled jaw here; his deep blue eyes here; his tight, muscular body here beneath his pure white robe.

 

"And here is the outline of his massive, massive cock."