The House of Commons has been overun with the newly renamed Bear Scouts after speaker John Bercow foolishly allowed them access.

Mr Bercow, once a boy scout himself, told us "I never expected this. Bear Grylls has done more than just rename these boys. They're feral. Don't go into the Westminster Hall, it's like the Lord of the Flies in there. My left testicle is still stinging from a stunningly accurate shot with a woggle."

Since intrepid mental case Bear Grylls became Chief Scout in May the organisation has been the target of a great deal of criticism. Horrified parents have reported several incidents from their Bear Scout sons including trapping and eating the neighbours cat, pointlessly climbing in dangerous places and insisting on filming their activities while constantly telling the camera 'I don't know if I'll be able to do this'.

Mr Grylls, who was unlikely to turn out normal after his parents named him Bear told Stinky Ponky in a recent interview "I'm not teaching them how to string two yoghurt pots together to make a telephone, I'm teaching them how to SURVIVE. We're not camping in a field 500 yards from the nearest Little Chef, and we are not, under any circumstances singing ging ganggoolie. In fact next week we're being air lifted into the heart of the Amazon with nothing but a good pair of boots, a shirt and some shorts with the full intention of eating anything we can get our hands on."

Back in Westminster we stopped a crazed Alistair Darling as he fled the House of Commons. He told us "I think we've lost the Prime Minister. The last time I saw him three twelve year olds dressed in grass and leaves were beating his head against the ground and screaming KILL THE PIG!"