May 23rd 2009

British coastal swimmers are ignoring polution warnings and maintaining a stiff upper lip - in order to avoid swallowing used condoms according to the Marine Conservation Society.

The Good Beach Guide 2009 now only recommends 370 of the 777 beaches tested, a drop of 25% from the previous report, but Brits are apparently doggedly determined not to let this affect their bathing.

"To be honest, I'm amazed." Jim Karner from the MCS tells us. "I'd rather be dipped in dog shit than swim at our coastal resorts. At least that way it would just be dog shit."

"After extensive study of the UK coastline we've discovered that the most polluted places in Britain - where we definitely wouldn't recommend swimming - are just underneath sewage pipes."

"Even the clean beaches are not clean further out to sea. Britain is almost entirely encircled by a giant turd curtain. It's just closer to shore in some places"

We met with Tony Oddshapes, a resident of Looe in Cornwall who's been taking a dip in the sea each morning for over 50 years.

"The report changes nothing for me." Tony tells us, returning from his morning swim. "It's a load of rubbish; if it weren't for the salt you'd be able to drink the Looe water. And anyway, I'm an Englishman and we're made of sterner stuff. I've survived 12 cases of Cholera in my lifetime."

Stinky Ponky told Tony; "You've got a little bit of shit on you."