Stinky Ponky spoke to Chief Corgi Polisher Dave Watt who told us "I can confirm that a door is just one of many uses we are considering for the Duke of York. Ever since the embarrassing episode where he kept marching ten thousand men up and down a hill - Mrs Queen had told him umpteen times that it wasn't necessary for all Dukes of York to do that - we've kept a list of possible alternative uses.

"We have also considered making him into an ash tray, a table cloth, a pigeon scarer (we actually tried that one out but he was just covered in happy pigeons wondering what the hell they were sitting on and why it was crying) and Keeper of the Royal Badgers; an ancient and honorable position which should be straight forward due to the complete lack of Royal Badgers. Still, he's probably safest in a more simple role, like my personal favourite; doggy toilet."

In a brief interview with the Queen, she told us "What has one done to deserve this? One must have been Attilla the frigging Hun in a previous life. One somehow ended up married to a Greek racist, with one son who talks to trees and married a horse; another who socializes with kiddy-fiddlers and Edward - camp as Christmas. Need one say more? And then there's Harry the bloody nazi, the drunken little cock. He gets his good looks from our side of the family. He gets his abrasive fascist tendencies from his Grandad."

"All one can say is thank Jesus and his holy hamster for William. He seems to have grown into a sensible young man, although one has to admit that one has a reoccurring nightmare that one gets up one morning, grabs a gin, lights one's pipe and flicks on GMTV only to hear Lorraine Kelly telling one that he's been caught on camera smashed off his box, dressed as Hitler, knee deep in Brazilian ladyboys. One thinks think that would be the death of one.

"It was bad enough when Anne did it."