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Idiot proof
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Stinky Ponky regularly finds proof of idiocy and here we lay it bare for the world to scrutinize. If you think you have proof of idiots why not let us know?
There are plenty more morons in our archive. |
June 27th 2011 If I ever go to court for shooting someone I'm not going to take the gun. There are a whole host of reasons for this, starting - rather importantly - with the fact that I don't want to shoot anyone. Actually, that's not true, there are lots of people I want to shoot, only not really. You know what I mean. There are probably some people out there that you would say "I'd like to shoot that silly fucker" but if you were given a gun you'd say "Are you in-fucking-sane?! I don't actually want to shoot anyone!" By the way, if you're reading this and thinking "I don't know what he means, I'd just pull the trigger," and you're not in the armed forces then please seek medical advice; you are ill in the head.
I digress.
Other reasons that I won't take the gun into court include not owning a gun, not being allowed to take a weapon into court coupled with the likelihood that it would have been removed as evidence at some point and, most pertinently, the fact that I'm not the sort of complete idiot that would take evidence proving my guilt into a court case.
Stephen Kirkbride IS that sort of complete idiot however, and he was holding the metaphorical smoking weapon when he appeared at South Lakeland Magistrates Court in Kendal. He was up in front of the judge accused of shoplifting from Sports Direct. Staff claimed that he'd stolen a coat. Can you guess what he was wearing to court? Yep. The coat.
It amazes me sometimes that people who are this stupid last long enough in this world to do things like this. The fact that Stephen had reached the age of 46 without wandering into traffic at some point defies any sort of rational thought. And yet, there he was, telling the judge that he had bought the coat from a charity shop, slightly damaged (due to the removal of security tags) but still a bargain. The Crown Prosecutor said to him "You're making this up as you go along, aren't you?".
He went on to say, very, very slowly: "You - are - a - thick - fucker. I - am - not - a - thick - fucker. You - tell - lies. I - know - they - are - lies." He only said this last bit in my head however.
Stephen was also charged with rape, but he'd learned his lesson and cut off his dick before attending court. Not true either by the way, just in case you're Stephen enough to believe me.
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June 20th 2011 "The best thing is that the wart has gone. It was giving me lot of trouble." The idea of wart removal, one would have thought, is to get rid of the wart and stop it coming back. Perhaps, after many desperate attempts using creams and ointments, you might turn to some more direct method of removal. You may, after some deliberation, choose a surgically precise implement, such as a scalpel, a sharp knife or a shotgun.
You would then take your surgically preci.... whoa, hang on a sec, did I say shotgun?! I can't be serious! Surely I must be winding me up?! What kind of brain-free, shit-witted retard would attempt to remove a wart with a shotgun?!
Enter Sean Murphy, a security guard from Doncaster who has found a unique wart removal technique. It's his quote at the beginning of this piece. He wasn't being interviewed as a pioneer in wart removal however; his technique is unlikely to have warty freaks queueing at his door. He was being interviewed as a total fucking idiot, shortly after his court case.
That said, it simply cannot be ignored that he was 100% successful in his attempt to remove the wart from his finger. It's just that most people would hope to retain the finger afterwards. Sean blew his to bits instead. He may have retained his finger for all I know. If he has then he presumably keeps it in a small jar.
That should be the end of the story. It's certainly enough to qualify as an idiot for Idiot Proof. As is often the case when you find a good idiot however, there's more to the story, because now we have to return to the words 'shotgun' and 'court case' and (once more for good measure) 'idiot.'
In the UK it's illegal to own a shotgun without a license. It's also illegal to sell one to someone who doesn't have a license. Sean doesn't have a license of course, so where did he get the fully functional Beretta shotgun? He found it under a hedge of course. "I found it under a hedge, your honour." The judge interrupted at this point by slapping his pen down and saying "Fuck off." As the court room turned to him in shock he continued; "Get fucked, you dosey, fingerless twat. Just because you're a fucking imbecile doesn't mean we've all got shit between our ears as well. Found it under a hedge my honourable arse." Or he would have done, if he was me. I don't actually know what the judge said in response. He probably looked over the top of his glasses and tutted.
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April 5th 2011 Ah, idiots. I love them all. Casting my eye back over previous entries I come across such gems as the guy who injured himself after cutting down the branch of the tree that he had leaned his ladder against, or the vicar who publically complained that dead people had no taste in music, or my personal favourite; the American news reader who, for reasons best known to himself, happily and inexplicably advised his weatherman to "Keep fucking that chicken." Priceless. Today's idiot is closer to home. Derby to be precise. His name is Ashley Waterhouse, 22, and he's a Conservative candidate for the city council. That's not it though, although I can see why you would think it might be. No, Mr Waterhouse did something silly. He chose to lie.
"Hold the damn phone!" I hear you shout, "He said that the world was not as it was?! He told a LIE?! BURN HIM! BURN THE WITCH. MELT DOWN HIS FAMILY AND PISS ON HIS CAT!" Well you're being ridiculous. It's not just about a lie. I'm not leaping aboard my moral high horse and righteously riding out of Naughty Town into the sunset in disgust at the filthy lack of truth found therein. It's not just that he lied. That's not it. He lied in public.
Shut up you impatient git, and stop screaming about evil. That's not it either. Certainly it's unwise behaviour for a council candidate to openly lie in public, although you can see where young ones like Ashley may have become confused when you look at their role models, but we're entering the ironic stage here so shut up, leave his cat alone and sit down. Jesus.
He called in to a BBC Derby debate about honest politicians and lied.
Brilliant. Take a bow Mr Waterhouse, you daft tit. I don't know if the Conservative Party offers any guidance on things you should and should not do during live radio phone-in debates on the subject of honesty amongst politicians, but I would imagine 'lie' would be in the 'should not' section.
Here we go.
Conservative candidates
SHOULD NOT
Of course the true idiocy of this whole thing is in the way he was found out. Mr Waterhouse had already called in to offer his opinion, but had been told that it was inappropriate for a candidate to take part in the debate. So he dialled 141 and called again, disguising his voice and giving a false name. Except for, as we have already established, he's an idiot, so he forgot the part where you dial 141 and disguise your voice, leading the presenter to basically say, 'hello again you daft tit,' while lots of people laughed.
Of course, he did the honorable thing and resigned his post. His resignation was rejected. Draw your own conclusions.
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October 20th 2010 Sometimes this stuff writes itself - and yet oddly that's when it's hardest to write. The problem starts when you come across something so cock-shrinkingly stupid that you just don't know where to start. And so ... as that insidious twat Lloyd Grossman* used to say when he was tarting around celebrity houses on a TV programme that should have been called "Who gives a flying monkey fuck whose shitting house this is anyway?"... let's look at the evidence.
The story could be very dull, if slightly odd, and end right there - but fortunately Superjim is about to wipe that smug fucking grin of Tomato Woman's face by sticking his knee in the back of her head and giving her a slipped disc. Jim cost the council £24,000 for his negligence. My dictionary is fucked, because it's description of 'negligence' bears cack-all resemblence to anything that's happening here. The closest word I can find to fit this situation is 'accident' although it seems that people who are blagging taxpayers out of their money after dressing like tomatoes and saying to their friendly neighbourhood mayor "please attempt to leap over me like a spacky old arthritic frog before slamming your kneecap into my bonce and doing me a serious injury so that I can have a couple of weeks in Barbados getting wankered off my tits on white rum" are far more likely to call it 'negligence' for reasons best known to their solicitors. You'll need to take a deep breath if you just read that last sentence out loud. *What nationality is Grossman anyway? I hope to sweet fucking Jesus he isn't British (which is highly unlikely with his knobbish accent) because if I find out that he is I will declare myself French, right there, right on the fucking spot. Did you see the advert for his bolognese sauce (if you can't make bolognese without resorting to some tomato wank in a jar you should be first against the wall when the food revolution starts) where he declared that his secret ingredient was a squeeze of lemon juice? WOOP DEE FUCKING DOO! Fuck fucking off you fucking fuck-faced fucker.
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April 20th 2010 So - here's one for your geography test kids, just to sharpen you up for those upcoming exams; Q: What causes earthquakes?
If you're some kind of geeky, nerdish no-hoper you may well have wittered on about tectonic plates or some shit, ensuring that no one will ever touch your genitals, unless it's for the purposes of a medical examination, or to give you a swift kick in them. Because of course the answer is;
A: Scantily clad women.
At least that's what one leading Iranian cleric tells us. Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi (catchy) explained to worshippers that they needed to stick to the dress code or the whole world was going to shake like a bastard. That's not a direct quote, I added that bit myself, but this is (look out for the scientific explanation);
"Many women who do not dress modestly lead young men astray and spread adultery in society which increases earthquakes."
Did you see the science bit? Of course you fucking didn't, because there isn't one. He goes on to explain;
"What can we do to avoid being buried under the rubble? There is no other solution but to take refuge in religion and to adapt our lives to Islam's moral codes." No other solution that not being in a building during an earthquake of course. The last bit is my advice, not his. It's roughly as practical though, if not more so. It's probably best if I don't interrupt - he's not finished;
"Now if a natural earthquake hits Tehran, no one will be able to confront such a calamity but God's power, only God's power. So lets not disappoint God."
No, let's not disappoint God. I hate disappointing God. I feel terrible when he gives me that look that says, 'I'm not angry with you, just very disappointed' before shaking the living shit out of everything and burying me under the remains of my house. I always feel bad when that happens.
It seems that some young Iranian women have been wearing tight clothes, the filthy whores. If all this is true, I don't know why we're investing in nuclear weaponary; I reckon I could level Iran with a well placed copy of FHM should the need ever arise. Just by chance Iran's capital, Tehran, is situated on a large number of tectonic fault lines, but that has nothing to do with it. It's that slag in the bikini.
For fuck's sake woman, cover your tits up. God is going to be miffed as fuck.
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TREE FELLERS (BUT THERE'S ONLY TWO OF US...) April 14th 2010 Once upon a time there was a man called Peter who lived in Bolton. Peter was a fucking idiot, and decided to prove it one day when he was at the Egerton House Hotel, where he worked as a handyman. Peter, who had no qualifications or experience as a tree surgeon, nevertheless decided he that he was the best person to cut a branch from a large tree in the garden - well it's not brain surgery, is it?! He took his trusty side kick Alan, who was also mind-bendingly stupid - or was having a damn good laugh at Peter's expense - grabbed a ladder and headed for the tree in question. Now, boys and girls, Peter learned an important lesson on that fateful day. He learned not to lean your ladder against the branch that you're cutting off, because basic physics dictates that unless you're Harry fucking Potter when the branch parts company with the tree you're not going to simply float in position like some modernised version of the Indian rope trick. But Peter didn't know that because he's a fucking idiot, as we've already established. He hadn't climbed the 14 feet particularly quickly, but for the return journey he took the express route with the help of gravity, which was discovered by Isaac Newton when a fucking idiot fell out of the tree he was sitting under. We haven't reached the best bit yet. Ok, now we've reached the best bit. The best bit is that he sued the hotel. Of course he did! We're not at all surprised by that, are we? And the court made them pay £2,015 in fines and expenses, proving that they could be fucking idiots too, with the help of the British justice system. Why on earth would the hotel be in the wrong - I hear you scream in frustration? Because they didn't have a risk assessment in place that told you not to lean a ladder against the branch of a tree and then climb the ladder before cutting off that self same branch. And that, of course, is because you... shouldn't. fucking. need. one.
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January 7th 2010
There's not much more to say is there? Except if you were trying clothes on in Asda in Warrington's Westbrook Centre on the 19th December at around 5pm then there's a very good chance that the police have been looking at you in your undercrackers. Of course I may be leaping to conclusions here. There's obvioulsy a perfectly good reason why this man was hiding a digital camera inside a light fitting in a changing room in Asda. He's a sexual deviant. Silly us.
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January 4th 2010
This man was, until very recently, the Mayor of a village in Lancashire called Preesall. A man in a position of authority; a man in the public eye, although the public would be wincing at the sight of him. That's odd enough, isn't it? You look at him and you don't think 'mayor' do you? You think 'Rain Man' or 'Klingon' or 'freaky, moronic-looking weirdo' because, as we've already established, you're sick.
As Jimmy Cricket would be keen to tell you at this point, there's more.
He's been arrested for breaking into women's houses in a semi naked state and doing unspeakable things with their knickers. We know this because one woman became suspicious that all her keks were going missing and installed a secret camera. Afterwards police officers found that the Mayor had a house full of ladies undercrackers. It's around this point that I thought 'what the fuck?' and I strongly suspect that some of you are too. He admitted it in court today. With a face like that, and with a conviction like this, I think he's got a future full of problems. If anyone out there ever finds the ugly shovel, it will have this man's face imprinted in it deeply, I promise you.
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November 30th 2009 Crime is so complicated these days. Remember when you could clean out a celebrity bank account simply by sticking their photo into a stolen passport and using it as ID? Good times. Good times. What? You never tried that? No, of course you didn't - because it's a ridiculous thing to do. You'd have to be an absolute, desk-chewing, retarded idiot.
Cue the absolute, desk-chewing, retarded idiot...
... Because, you see, someone did try precisely this a few years ago with Ricky Gervais, although he's only recently spilled the beans. We've not been furnished with much detail on this one, but apparently the picture in question was of Gervais in character as David Brent in The Office and was simply cut from one of his DVD covers.
It takes a special kind of stupid to think that you may be successful with this ploy. You can't simply cut out a photo and stick it in a passport, you fools. You need to have the image blown up to cleverly make a Ricky Gervais mask for yourself as well.
Come on guys, think it through.
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GOLDIBEAR AND THE THREE IDIOTS November 3rd 2009 Once upon a time in the hills of Kashmir there lived a bear. The bear lived a happy and peaceful life, spending it's time hunting and fishing and enjoying the company of hot female bears with loose morals. But it didn't half get wazzed off to fuck when those pesky Kashmiri militants moved into it's cave and lit a fire in it's bedroom while it was out walking in the woods. Which is why it killed two and maimed a third, despite the fact they were all carrying Kalashnikov assault rifles. They were cooking pudding on the fire and the bear apparently caught them unawares. Now I don't know about you, but if I chose to shelter in a big cave in bear country that stank of bear I'd be pretty fucking aware, and the safety on my Kalashnikov would be off, because I'd be thinking 'I don't fancy being eaten by a FUCKING BEAR!' And they all lived happily ever after. Except for the dead ones. The End.
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October 21st 2009 What a shitty time to find God - right in the middle of an armed robbery. Honest to... well, God... it's just really shit timing. But hey - it's divine inspiration, right? Is it fuck. Nobody is moving mysteriously here. The guy in this video is called Gregory Smith (I might be tempted to do something illegal if I'd been christened Gregory) and he's definitely not cut out for a life of crime. He walks into the place with a gun to demand money, the girl who works there starts crying so he hugs her (wtf?) and she hugs him back (WTF?) and they talk about God and redemption (WHAT THE FLYING FUCKETY FUCK?). Well, I suppose that for whatever reason we should be thankful that he saw the error of his ways and repented. He didn't hurt her and he didn't rob... oh hang on, no... he still robbed her. Her mobile 'phone and $20 (£12). And then he walked out giving the camera a lovely view of his face. But then he saw the error of hsi ways and turned himself in afterwards of his own... no, wait a minute... his mum saw him on telly, that's why he turned himself in. It's all a bit embarrassing really, and he's not going to have much of a reputation as a bad ass when he gets to prison. Which is why he will be so popular in the showers.
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October 20th 2009 Fucking dead people these days. What are they thinking? Fancy having some tune that you liked when you were alive played at your funeral instead of wanky old hymns. You ignorant dead bastards. I'm with the Rev Ed Tomlinson on this one. He's written in his blog about how he's sick of all these secular arseholes kicking the bucket and then being "popped in the oven" to the tune of My Way or Simply the Best. On top of that we might have to listen to poems from people who loved the stiff back when he was a bit more active instead of traditional bible fiction. In a post on his blog entitled "death of death" (do you see what he did?) he writes about how he has to suffer all these godless bastards burning their dead in front of him, adding "I have then stood at the crem like a lemon, wondering why on earth I am present at the funeral of somebody led in by the tunes of Tina Turner..." Sorry vic, but I think you're being just a tiny bit completely fucking stupid here; you're not wanted anywhere matey, it's not just funerals. It's only tradition that keeps you in work. Perhaps you should keep your ecclesiastical trap shut because to be quite honest we'd all rather piss off to Barbados to get married anyway, so if you get out of the coffin market you might be a wee bit stuck for something to do. Here endeth the sermon, Reverend Lemon.
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4 out of 5 idiots. Shoplifting from Sports Direct is pretty desperate.
Meet Jim Rodgers. At the time this rather unusual picture was taken he was Lord Mayor of Belfast, and yes... he's leaping over a woman dressed as a tomato. So far it's all perfectly normal. One idiot is jumping over another idiot who has decided to dress like an idiot while another idiot leaps over her. She asked him to leap over her, incidentally. It's a bit like showjumping - because no-one knows what the fuck that's all about either.
I'm not sure if there's a rule book for perverts, but if there is then rule number one would surely be "when placing a hidden camera in a changing room it is imperative that you don't accidentally take a couple of shots of your own face for the police to find later." Rule number two at the most. 
You know, sometimes I read stuff in the news and all I can think is 'what the fuck?' This is a perfect example. I'm sure you've already looked at the picture of the man to the left and thought what a poor deformed bugger he is. What a spacky little twat he looks, you say. Clearly retarded. Well, I will ignore the fact that you're sick bastards and tell you something surprising. 
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