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Idiot proof
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Stinky Ponky regularly finds proof of idiocy and here we lay it bare for the world to scrutinize. If you think you have proof of idiots why not let us know?
There are plenty more morons in our archive. |
April 20th 2010 So - here's one for your geography test kids, just to sharpen you up for those upcoming exams; Q: What causes earthquakes?
If you're some kind of geeky, nerdish no-hoper you may well have wittered on about tectonic plates or some shit, ensuring that no one will ever touch your genitals, unless it's for the purposes of a medical examination, or to give you a swift kick in them. Because of course the answer is;
A: Scantily clad women.
At least that's what one leading Iranian cleric tells us. Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi (catchy) explained to worshippers that they needed to stick to the dress code or the whole world was going to shake like a bastard. That's not a direct quote, I added that bit myself, but this is (look out for the scientific explanation);
"Many women who do not dress modestly lead young men astray and spread adultery in society which increases earthquakes."
Did you see the science bit? Of course you fucking didn't, because there isn't one. He goes on to explain;
"What can we do to avoid being buried under the rubble? There is no other solution but to take refuge in religion and to adapt our lives to Islam's moral codes." No other solution that not being in a building during an earthquake of course. The last bit is my advice, not his. It's roughly as practical though, if not more so. It's probably best if I don't interrupt - he's not finished;
"Now if a natural earthquake hits Tehran, no one will be able to confront such a calamity but God's power, only God's power. So lets not disappoint God."
No, let's not disappoint God. I hate disappointing God. I feel terrible when he gives me that look that says, 'I'm not angry with you, just very disappointed' before shaking the living shit out of everything and burying me under the remains of my house. I always feel bad when that happens.
It seems that some young Iranian women have been wearing tight clothes, the filthy whores. If all this is ture, I don't know why we're investing in nuclear weaponary; I reckon I could level Iran with a well placed copy of FHM should the need ever arise. Just by chance Iran's capital, Tehran, is situated on a large number of tectonic fault lines, but that has nothing to do with it. It's that slag in the bikini.
For fuck's sake woman, cover your tits up. God is going to be miffed as fuck.
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TREE FELLERS (BUT THERE'S ONLY TWO OF US...) April 14th 2010 Once upon a time there was a man called Peter who lived in Bolton. Peter was a fucking idiot, and decided to prove it one day when he was at the Egerton House Hotel, where he worked as a handyman. Peter, who had no qualifications or experience as a tree surgeon, nevertheless decided he that he was the best person to cut a branch from a large tree in the garden - well it's not brain surgery, is it?! He took his trusty side kick Alan, who was also mind-bendingly stupid - or was having a damn good laugh at Peter's expense - grabbed a ladder and headed for the tree in question. Now, boys and girls, Peter learned an important lesson on that fateful day. He learned not to lean your ladder against the branch that you're cutting off, because basic physics dictates that unless you're Harry fucking Potter when the branch parts company with the tree you're not going to simply float in position like some modernised version of the Indian rope trick. But Peter didn't know that because he's a fucking idiot, as we've already established. He hadn't climbed the 14 feet particularly quickly, but for the return journey he took the express route with the help of gravity, which was discovered by Isaac Newton when a fucking idiot fell out of the tree he was sitting under. We haven't reached the best bit yet. Ok, now we've reached the best bit. The best bit is that he sued the hotel. Of course he did! We're not at all surprised by that, are we? And the court made them pay £2,015 in fines and expenses, proving that they could be fucking idiots too, with the help of the British justice system. Why on earth would the hotel be in the wrong - I hear you scream in frustration? Because they didn't have a risk assessment in place that told you not to lean a ladder against the branch of a tree and then climb the ladder before cutting off that self same branch. And that, of course, is because you... shouldn't. fucking. need. one.
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January 7th 2010
There's not much more to say is there? Except if you were trying clothes on in Asda in Warrington's Westbrook Centre on the 19th December at around 5pm then there's a very good chance that the police have been looking at you in your undercrackers. Of course I may be leaping to conclusions here. There's obvioulsy a perfectly good reason why this man was hiding a digital camera inside a light fitting in a changing room in Asda. He's a sexual deviant. Silly us.
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January 4th 2010
This man was, until very recently, the Mayor of a village in Lancashire called Preesall. A man in a position of authority; a man in the public eye, although the public would be wincing at the sight of him. That's odd enough, isn't it? You look at him and you don't think 'mayor' do you? You think 'Rain Man' or 'Klingon' or 'freaky, moronic-looking weirdo' because, as we've already established, you're sick.
As Jimmy Cricket would be keen to tell you at this point, there's more.
He's been arrested for breaking into women's houses in a semi naked state and doing unspeakable things with their knickers. We know this because one woman became suspicious that all her keks were going missing and installed a secret camera. Afterwards police officers found that the Mayor had a house full of ladies undercrackers. It's around this point that I thought 'what the fuck?' and I strongly suspect that some of you are too. He admitted it in court today. With a face like that, and with a conviction like this, I think he's got a future full of problems. If anyone out there ever finds the ugly shovel, it will have this man's face imprinted in it deeply, I promise you.
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November 30th 2009 Crime is so complicated these days. Remember when you could clean out a celebrity bank account simply by sticking their photo into a stolen passport and using it as ID? Good times. Good times. What? You never tried that? No, of course you didn't - because it's a ridiculous thing to do. You'd have to be an absolute, desk-chewing, retarded idiot.
Cue the absolute, desk-chewing, retarded idiot...
... Because, you see, someone did try precisely this a few years ago with Ricky Gervais, although he's only recently spilled the beans. We've not been furnished with much detail on this one, but apparently the picture in question was of Gervais in character as David Brent in The Office and was simply cut from one of his DVD covers.
It takes a special kind of stupid to think that you may be successful with this ploy. You can't simply cut out a photo and stick it in a passport, you fools. You need to have the image blown up to cleverly make a Ricky Gervais mask for yourself as well.
Come on guys, think it through.
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GOLDIBEAR AND THE THREE IDIOTS November 3rd 2009 Once upon a time in the hills of Kashmir there lived a bear. The bear lived a happy and peaceful life, spending it's time hunting and fishing and enjoying the company of hot female bears with loose morals. But it didn't half get wazzed off to fuck when those pesky Kashmiri militants moved into it's cave and lit a fire in it's bedroom while it was out walking in the woods. Which is why it killed two and maimed a third, despite the fact they were all carrying Kalashnikov assault rifles. They were cooking pudding on the fire and the bear apparently caught them unawares. Now I don't know about you, but if I chose to shelter in a big cave in bear country that stank of bear I'd be pretty fucking aware, and the safety on my Kalashnikov would be off, because I'd be thinking 'I don't fancy being eaten by a FUCKING BEAR!' And they all lived happily ever after. Except for the dead ones. The End.
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October 21st 2009 What a shitty time to find God - right in the middle of an armed robbery. Honest to... well, God... it's just really shit timing. But hey - it's divine inspiration, right? Is it fuck. Nobody is moving mysteriously here. The guy in this video is called Gregory Smith (I might be tempted to do something illegal if I'd been christened Gregory) and he's definitely not cut out for a life of crime. He walks into the place with a gun to demand money, the girl who works there starts crying so he hugs her (wtf?) and she hugs him back (WTF?) and they talk about God and redemption (WHAT THE FLYING FUCKETY FUCK?). Well, I suppose that for whatever reason we should be thankful that he saw the error of his ways and repented. He didn't hurt her and he didn't rob... oh hang on, no... he still robbed her. Her mobile 'phone and $20 (£12). And then he walked out giving the camera a lovely view of his face. But then he saw the error of hsi ways and turned himself in afterwards of his own... no, wait a minute... his mum saw him on telly, that's why he turned himself in. It's all a bit embarrassing really, and he's not going to have much of a reputation as a bad ass when he gets to prison. Which is why he will be so popular in the showers.
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October 20th 2009 Fucking dead people these days. What are they thinking? Fancy having some tune that you liked when you were alive played at your funeral instead of wanky old hymns. You ignorant dead bastards. I'm with the Rev Ed Tomlinson on this one. He's written in his blog about how he's sick of all these secular arseholes kicking the bucket and then being "popped in the oven" to the tune of My Way or Simply the Best. On top of that we might have to listen to poems from people who loved the stiff back when he was a bit more active instead of traditional bible fiction. In a post on his blog entitled "death of death" (do you see what he did?) he writes about how he has to suffer all these godless bastards burning their dead in front of him, adding "I have then stood at the crem like a lemon, wondering why on earth I am present at the funeral of somebody led in by the tunes of Tina Turner..." Sorry vic, but I think you're being just a tiny bit completely fucking stupid here; you're not wanted anywhere matey, it's not just funerals. It's only tradition that keeps you in work. Perhaps you should keep your ecclesiastical trap shut because to be quite honest we'd all rather piss off to Barbados to get married anyway, so if you get out of the coffin market you might be a wee bit stuck for something to do. Here endeth the sermon, Reverend Lemon.
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I'm not sure if there's a rule book for perverts, but if there is then rule number one would surely be "when placing a hidden camera in a changing room it is imperative that you don't accidentally take a couple of shots of your own face for the police to find later." Rule number two at the most. 
You know, sometimes I read stuff in the news and all I can think is 'what the fuck?' This is a perfect example. I'm sure you've already looked at the picture of the man to the left and thought what a poor deformed bugger he is. What a spacky little twat he looks, you say. Clearly retarded. Well, I will ignore the fact that you're sick bastards and tell you something surprising. 
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