DICK IS BACK ON THE MENU

September 23rd 2009

Ok, so I admit that in this day and age Spotted Dick appears to be a rather silly name for a pudding. But let's all be adults about this shall we? Because at the end of the day, it's also a perfectly wonderful opportunity to make cock jokes.

Which is what the staff at Flintshire Council headquarters in Mold thought. In fact, one of them told so many barely veiled cock jokes that the canteen staff decided to rename the pudding. Did they sensibly call it Suet Pudding? Or did they opt for Currant Sponge? No of course not. They offered themselves up for further derision by renaming it Spotted Richard.

You can't see me right now but I'm rolling my eyes.

Anyway - here come the letters. And rightly so - how dare they deny us Spotted Dick?! Flintshire Council received them from all over the country, and one council executive was interviewed by a radio station as far away as Canada, because at the end of the day it was a really fucking stupid idea, and people all over the world enjoy a good knob gag. In Britain it's virtually what makes us British! There were 31 Carry On films, almost entirely based upon cock and tits!

The best bit of course is that due to public outcry the dish has now been returned to it's former glory. Yes, Dick is back on the Flinshire Council canteen menu. What a heart warming story. Now those council workers can happily return to the canteen and say to the pissed off kitchen staff, with what can only be described as a smutty grin on their faces, "I'd like a little Spotted Dick please," before doing a passable impression of Sid James laughing.

3 out of 5 idiots. Don't deny us dick.

YOU STAY CLASSY

September 16th 2009

He's being hailed as the real life Ron Burgundy. Fox News Anchor, Ernie Anastos, thank you for giving me a great big laugh today, you complete idiot.

I don't fully understand this man, and I wonder if some mind altering substance was at work here. Or was it a bet? I don't know, and he isn't being very quick to explain it.

For some reason he... well... err... it's like this...

He was quipping with his weatherman Nick Gregory, saying "It takes a tough man to make a tender forecast, Nick." This comment approaches the borders of Normal, but remains elusively in the Land of Bizarre, giving us a cheery wave that suggests it knows what it's doing, even if we don't.

Gregory laughs the laugh of a man who doesn't want to upset the freak in case he gets angry and starts to bite. He says to Anastos "I guess that's me."

And this is where I get really confused. Anastos, for reasons I simply cannot comprehend, laughs and says "Keep fucking that chicken," all the time maintaining a bright smile. Without missing a beat he continues to read the news. His co-anchor Dari Alexander has a priceless expression. A picture paints a thousand words. Watch the video.

5 out of 5 idiots. Keep fucking that chicken Nicky, keep fucking that chicken.

DENMARK WANTS MAN-SLUTS

September 16th 2009

When VisitDenmark were planning their latest advert to attract tourists they looked at each other and said "we want something that says excitement; we want something that says romance. We want something that says come and shag our easy women - they are stupid!" Possibly.

If that wasn't what happened then I don't know how they ended up here. This video was their attempt to attract tourists. I don't think anyone who was moved to buy their ticket to Copenhagen after watching this advert would be planning an itinerary based around visits to the Viking museums. And it would have jack fanny adams to do with Hans Christian Andersen either.

A little background? Ok. This is the moving story of boy meets girl, boy romances girl, boy knobs girl, boy fucks off before girl wakes up, girl has baby 9 months later but has to list 'English Tourist' as the father because the sweetest part is... she didn't even get his name. It's not quite Brief Encounter or The Bridges of Madison County, now is it?

VisitDenmark said it was meant to be "a nice and sweet story about a grown-up woman who lives in a free society and accepts the consequences of her actions". Her actions being unprotected sex with random, nameless tourists.

The advert has - unsurprisingly - been pulled now, but it's already all over Youtube of course. Across the world a certain type of man is packing his bag. Packing it full of condoms presumably so that only the sex bit happens, and not the fatherhood.

4 out of 5 idiots. I mean, really.... what the hell were you thinking?!

SORRY MONSIEUR, YOU'RE NOT ABOUT TO DIE AFTER ALL!

September 16th 2009

"Ladies and Gentleman, we may experience some slight turbulence, please remain calm and where possible remain seated."

"Madames et Messieurs, we're all about to die in a great big fireball. Please tuck you head between your legs and kiss your derriere au revoir."

That's right. Aer Lingus like to scare the French. Who doesn't? I suppose you'd like an explanation (as the Captain would later say to the French passengers).

On an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Paris cabin crew played a message in English warning of turbulence followed by one in French saying that the plane was about to crash. All hell broke loose amongst the 70 French passengers while everyone esle watched in confusion.

Now tell me that was an accident. Let me meet the cabin crew and look into their eyes while they tell me that not one of them had a bit of a snigger at the French passengers desperately reaching for the garlic so that they wouldn't die with fresh breath. Let them tell me without flinching that the flight deck door did not have to remain shut because the flight crew were laughing so much that they were close to being sick.

They can't of course, because all of the above was happening, to be sure, so it was.

1 out of 5 idiots. Be fair - they were French.

WHO ARE YOU CALLING STUPID?

September 8th 2009

Have you ever bought anything from Curry's? Have you shopped at PC World? Then you're stupid. At least that's what the staff who work there seem to think.

There's an unoffical group on facebook for DSGi employees - DSGi is the group that owns the stores - where store staff have called their customers stupid. One even went so far as to ask whether it was inappropriate to use a cattle prod on customers who were difficult to satisfy. I must remember next time I'm parting with over a grand for a new TV to agree with whatever the jizzy little wanker who's serving me suggests so as not to disturb his poxy life too much.

Where to start?

Ok, first of all publically saying that you think all of your customers are stupid is a bit.... stupid. In fact, considering the fact that DSGi are now investigating and will be taking "the necessary action with any staff found to be acting inappropriately" it may be out-of-a-job-during-the-recession stupid.

Next let's point out that said store staff are often too busy drooling to help you. In Curry's I've experienced what it's like to be 'served' by a chimp in a red polo shirt who will tell you absolutely anything so that you go the fuck away and let him get back to doing jack shit. Try talking about the difference between 1080i and 1080p with him and watch his little piggy eyes glaze over as his tiny, tiny brain buckles under the pressure of independent thought. I'm stupid you say? Can I be the first to call them cheeky fuckers? Thanks.

Cheeky fuckers.

Oh, and while we're on - some of you still seem to be under the impression that Facebook is a magical land entered into via a wardrobe in the spare room. Perhaps we should add a disclaimer to the front page. WARNING - FACEBOOK CAN HAVE A DIRECT AFFECT UPON REAL LIFE.

3 out of 5 idiots. In conclusion - actually DSGi employees, it's you that's fucking stupid.