TAURUS, full of shit.

If you breathe a word of this to anyone, you're dead.

GEMINI, shizophrenic.

Just after little Jenny comes crying to you because she left her hamster cage open you will dimly recall a soft little squish when you came in from the pub last night.

CANCER, pubic lice.

I have photos of you and the donkey dressed in your mother's underwear. Please send £500 in used 20's to the usual address. Not you Dave.

LEO, the big pussy.

After installing a flamethrower in your letterbox and waiting for months you will be excited enough to crap yourself when you see Jehovah's Witnesses walking down the driveway.

VIRGO, big break.

Four score years and six she waited, and when he came, she said "You're late."

LIBRA, he ain't heavy.

You will be surprised when something unexpected happens, because that's what unexpected means.

SCORPIO, the poisonous little fucker.

This month you will tell your friends that you can make absolutely any sentence you like from the dictionary as long as you don't use the same word twice. You've been out of work for far too long.

SAGITTARIUS, smells like a horse.

At the end of a long month you will be amazed to discover that the reason your wife has been ignoring you is that you're actually a ghost, and she doesn't know you're there (only for Bruce Willis).

CAPRICORN, some kind of freaky fish-goat.

Behind the radiator. That's the answer to both questions - 'Where is the puppy?' and 'Where is that god awful smell coming from?'

AQUARIUS, the plumber.

Avoid drowning this month by failing to submerge your head for longer than two minutes.

PISCES, nemo?

In the immortal words of the great bard Shakespeare "Her oriental ways are most divine / Her olive skin, her dark and lus'trous locks / Her heaving breast doth promise pleasures fine / Yet all is marred, for she doth have a cock."