TAURUS, full of shit.

Encouraged by the Dalai Lama, who will sneak into your bedroom dressed as Europe and eat all of your clothes, you will reduce the dosage of your medication this month.

GEMINI, shizophrenic.

The beginning of the New Year will seem like the obvious time to resume you search for a soul mate. Just remember that it’s not called love if you’re paying for it.

CANCER, pubic lice.

January again. Time for your bath.

LEO, the big pussy.

Try to remain calm if small blue lumps start to form on the backs of your legs this month. Made you look! Joking apart, if you get them they will be small, pale and difficult to see and can be quite dangerous. Made you look again!

VIRGO, big break.

You will feel foolish after a small, South American dog convinces you to invest all of your savings in what will turn out to be a completely fake timeshare. In reality you’re just one of a growing number of victims of a Chihuahua con-dog.

LIBRA, he ain't heavy.

This month you will learn why it’s a bad idea to take a group of paranoid schizophrenics to the pantomime. Everything will be fine until someone shouts ‘He’s behind you!’

SCORPIO, the poisonous little fucker.

Powerful forces at work this month will seem to restrict your creative urges, or if you’re unemployed, get a job you fucking sponge.

SAGITTARIUS, smells like a horse.

This month you are ruled by Uranus, which explains a great deal.

CAPRICORN, some kind of freaky fish-goat.

You’ve already made big plans for the New Year, but I suggest collecting your test results first. Oh, and don’t book that holiday in May just yet.

AQUARIUS, the plumber.

When your therapist suggested a ‘break from the old routine’ I don’t think she meant drinking with your other hand.

PISCES, nemo?

Soon after joining up you'll find out what a fool you've been. When they said the army would make a man out of you, they didn't mean literally. You'll still have to pay for that operation.