TAURUS, full of shit.

After three long years you will finally lose all self control after a lunchtime drink in the pub on Friday and punch your poxy little midget of a boss in his twatish little face even though he's saying something really nice to you at the time.

GEMINI, shizophrenic.

Your parents were thick and so are you. Birds do not fuck bees.

CANCER, pubic lice.

If you're reading this then there's a very real possibility that you will be thoroughly frustrated by.

LEO, the big pussy.

Wednesday; the entire police interview will be difficult, confusing and very hard to explain due to the constant meowing of the shaved cat that's superglued to your head.

VIRGO, big break.

Use you beautiful smile, your fabulous eyes and your stunning physique to your advantage this week because the second you open your stupid mouth you'll be up shit creek you thick fucker.

LIBRA, he ain't heavy.

Remain aloof this week; don't let the neighbour's constant banging and shouting get to you. After a couple of weeks they should die and then you can take them out of the car boot and bury them.

SCORPIO, the poisonous little fucker.

Take a moment to enjoy the sight of him huffing and puffing until he's physically drained. When he collapses from exhaustion go and beat the hairy fucker with the biggest stick you can find for blowing down your brother's houses, my piggy friend.

SAGITTARIUS, smells like a horse.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. It's HIDE AND SEEK - NOT HIDE A SIKH. You've got some apologising to do.

CAPRICORN, some kind of freaky fish-goat.

Hallowe'en is coming. Time for your face again.

AQUARIUS, the plumber.

Look for the subtle hints that tell you he doesn't like you; the way he frowns when he sees you; the way he ignores you in conversation; the way he fills your car to the brim with rabbit droppings.

PISCES, nemo?

This week you will start to become really concerned by the fact that you've been going to work for the last three weeks dressed as Batman and no one has said a thing.