Dear Uncle Griff,

I am a little concerned about your sex fixation and your use of expletives - can you advise how I may overcome my concerns and continue to read your page without cringing?

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

Have you heard of the saying "dicks and boners may break my hymen but words can never hurt me"?

My sentiment is if you are offended by words then so be it, nothing happens when you are offended, you don't catch scabies or rickets. So toughen up.

Now having a great big cucumber stuck up your back passage is something to cringe about. Think yourself lucky.

Dear Uncle Griff

I am living with a man (or so I thought!) with a Star Wars fetish, I don't mind normally but waking up with a Stormtrooper is beginning to take its toll, Chewbacca week was the worst... dont ask.... but R2D2 is really taking it too far, I suppose what I'm asking is, should I fight this or give in and get my Princess Leia outfit from the attic and just go with it. I wouldn't mind if he looked like Han Solo, but he's more of a Neil Kinnock if you know what I mean...
hope you can help

Desperate

Griff says;

I really cant see what the issue is, he's worked his way from a lowly hairy monster up to a shiny white knight. If you are lucky he might even achieve Jedi status, you will love his big saber then I'm sure.

I recommend you ask him to keep his helmet polished and ready at all times and get out the gold bikini.

Dear Uncle Griff,

I am unable to control my sexual appetite, I am a married woman but I crave sex with strangers, I can’t get enough of it. And what's more I get really dirty with other men. Please can you help?

Anon

Griff says;

Dear Anon

Of course I can help, please send your measurements and a photo ASAP.

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My wife likes to go down on me, now whilst most men would love this i live in fear of the next felating experience.  The reason is she likes to play tunes on my vinegar string with her teeth. She won’t stop plucking away until she’s finished Beethoven’s 5th. How can I get her to stop plucking and start sucking?

Anon

Griff says;

Dear Anon

I recommend you buy your wife a viola, or next time you go down on her try playing the bagpipes and stick your fingers up her arse.

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My girlfriend would like me to talk to her during sex, can you give me any tips?

Anon

Griff says;

Dear Anon

These are my do’s and don’ts on sex chat;

Do;

Tell her you like what shes doing (“oooh I like that” for example)

Call out her name  (if you are confident of getting this right, if not use generics like babe or honey)

Make noises  (thinks like mmmmm or ooooooh will suffice)

Call her naughty and say shes been a bad, bad girl.

Don’t;

Ask her how her day at work was

Say football team names out loud

Ask her to call you daddy

Tell her that you are going to put your thumb up her bum (just do it, they like the surprise).

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I have a problem. My baby gravy actually looks like gravy. While this is not an issue with the northern girls now ive moved to London I find it puts girls off. Is there anything I could try?

Anon

Griff says;

Dear Anon

In the south most girls go for jus – it’s like gravy but watered down and sold for more money.  So the answer is simple move back up north.

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Dear Uncle Griff

My husband calls my vagina Bagpuss as he says it’s a massive baggy pussy. The problem is I have a fetish for aubergines, they are thick, smooth and just the right length. How do I tell him that I prefer a purple fruit to his purple bell end?

Anon

Dear Anon,

I recommend you let him take you up your A road,  he will feel a much tighter ride, you will get the benefit of something new and keep England’s aubergine population happy.