Fox Mulder

The move comes after successful trials with Britain's Got Talent contestants earlier in the year. Couch potatoes nationwide were thrilled by the sight of the mildly unhinged Susan Boyle being placed under huge amounts of pressure before snapping like a dry twig to become a scary, raving mental.

 

Stinky Ponky spoke with Mr Cowell's fellow Britain's Got Talent judge Piers Brosnan about how to successfully build a world class mental.

Halogen Lamps

"In many ways the formula is quite simple," Mr Brosnan said. "Find someone mildly deranged with a teensy bit of talent and tell the British public just how brilliant you think they are. After that you just step back and enjoy the fireworks. When The Boyle walked on stage we knew there was potential. It looked like it had fell off the bus into a hedge and it babbled a load of old piss. But when it opened it's mouth we were delighted and stunned to hear the beautiful sound of it's slightly above average voice. It was like hearing money stay mostly in tune.

 

"All the judges needed to do after that was gush convincingly, but we never dreamed of the response from the international viewing public. Paul Potts had worked hard to lower the bar and The Boyle was able to leap over it in a single, frenzied bound."

 

Unfortunately we've had to have Paul Potts put down

Stinky Ponky took to the streets of Southampton to ask the viewing public for their opinion on the new vetting process.

 

Dennis Dattwan, once an extra in The Littlest Hobo, told us "I think it's a top idea. What I really want to see this year is someone totally lose the plot and rave like a fucking spaz at the judges. Let them get really far on so that their tiny, deluded peanut of a brain is completely saturated with the hype and then pull the rug quickly but cruelly from under their six-toed feet. If they could start chewing a microphone or maybe twat Dermot O'Leary that would be fucking mint."