"It's a long road but we've taken the first steps," said Dave Watt who is overseeing the entire operation with his company Turd Polishers Ltd. "We've had some positive comments regarding the initial stages, which were actually completed by the world renowned Swiss company Tittenflator for £35,000 - we spared no expense. Generally this has been met with a good response, but it's clear that we still have a lot of work to do before producing a version of Amy that doesn't cause the average person to empty the entire contents of their stomach onto her face, or die from Sudden Ugly Shock."

 

Stinky Ponky took pictures of the early stages of the Winehouse restoration project onto the streets of Bristol to gauge public opinion.

 

"By the sacred, canine testicles of Jesus Christ's dog, what the cock is that?!" said Mother Superior Kathy Terr. "It's what?! My goodness. I think the Good Lord our God Almighty, our faithful shepherd and keeper, has - in his infinite wisdom - totally fucked up with that one."

 

"Well it's some kind of stick with two balloons on it I think," Badger Farmer Luke Warmwater told us. "But I can't quite make out what... wait a minute... is that....? Yes, it's a furry old piece of rotten shit, isn't it?"

 

"Oh, it's Amy Winehouse, I've seen this picture," said Tim Ternabby, an unemployed Harpist, "I think it's such a terrible shame that people are homing in on her boob job and failing to recognise all the other things she's shit at as well, like walking in a straight line or keeping the contents of rural Columbia out of her nostrils. Gosh, it's not really an improvement is it. I can't see anyone leaping into the sack with that.

 

"Do the dirty with Winehouse? I'd rather slide on my naked ass down a sandpaper stair rail."