Mr Watt, 72, posted his message on the video sharing website yesterday following recent appeals from American troops to US celebrities asking them for dates. Stinky Ponky caught up with him at his home is Whitchurch. We asked what his inspiration had been to post the message, and he told us: "Well, I suppose, when you get right down to it, stripping away all the sparkle, stardust and romance, I basically want Bette Midler to wank me off.

"It doesn't have to be her; she was just on the telly when the idea came to me, in some film where she played a witch, I can't remember the name of it. I've always had a bit of a soft spot for her though, but it only takes one of my viagra to make it a hard spot. And then I can go ALL night long, as long as I have frequent breaks for a cup of Bovril and get to sleep by 11. I think it was First Wives Club.

"Still, beggars can't be choosers so I'll settle for any other celebrity jacking away on the old sausage. Maybe Helen Hunt. She's got lovely ears. Or maybe Pat Butcher from Eastenders. I reckon she's a goer; the big ones are always eager to please if you know what I mean. Or even that Justina Timberlake. I've heard she's all for it the little minx, egging the other ones on.

"And if these ladies feel a bit hot under the collar after wrapping their hands round little Dave I'd be happy to return the favour and satisfy them back, as only an old, experienced man of my mature years can. I'll let her get back into bed after making my breakfast and then I'll slide slowly beneath the covers, working my way down her body until I can give her a lovely foot massage. 

"And whoever it ends up being can come over whenever she likes, as long as she doesn't come on a Wednesday because that's when the home-help comes. Or during Countryfile. Or on Tuesday, Thursday or Friday morning as that's when Doris from number 17 comes round. I doubt Doris would be jealous, but it might be a bit awkward because she's my fuck buddy. Maybe if she comes at the weekend I can take her up the Star. It's only 5 minutes walk from here, and it's a nice little pub.