Boyle, speaking from the new giant purple banana that she has recently had constructed on the roof of her West Lothian home, told Stinky Ponky "Pebbles is an accomplished ghost writer, having penned books for Katie Price, the King of Atlantis and The Proclaimers. In addition he also wrote the complete works of Shakespeare for Shakespeare, despite rumours that they were randomly formed from the hair of a wise old chimpanzee. When Stinky Ponky asked if Susan was sure about this seeing as the plays and sonnets were written 400 years ago she winked and shouted "ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY!" before eating her left shoe.

Boyle, who enjoys a spot of frying, said "Pebbles is, in many ways, quite brilliant you know. I'd get him to come and show you how he can fit his entire head into an envelope, but he won't be ready for another few minutes. He was outside most of the morning and came in covered in ash from that dratted volcano, so I've popped him in the washing machine with my knickers. And he took a very large part in Scandinavia, especially north.

"Who else do you really think I would ask to write my book? Jeffery Archer? Salman Rushdie? Enid Blyton? Not Blyton, that's for sure. The stuck up bitch has never answered any of my letters. My cat can play darts. Have you seen my left leg? I think it's up to something. I think I've missed my pills. Please, do come in. You're not Simon, are you? That's good. Simon makes my bottom sore."

We asked Susan if Pebbles was likely to concentrate on her difficult childhood; the learning difficulties, bullying and ridicule that she had to face; and her sudden, meteoric rise to fame on the increasingly inaccurately named Britain's Got Talent. She told us "Yes, I suppose there's a good chance that he will, yes."

"But I think it's far more likely that Pebbles will write 'meow' - because he's a fucking cat, you retard."