Armed police were called to Terminal 5 after the highly excitable SuBo gave airline staff the slip, disappearing into the ventilation system like Bruce Willis in Die Hard, only with shoes. The terminal has now been closed until trained handlers can catch and sedate her. SuBo is thought to have built a nest in the roof, and attempts are being made to lure her out of it and into bear traps baited with fish fingers and gin. At the same time a selection of Michael Ball's greatest hits are being played through the PA system to try and keep SuBo calm.

 

Chief SuBo keeper Dave Watt told Stinky Ponky "Although she's usually a lovely, calm and harmless little thing she's also a tongue-dripping mentalist, which makes her highly unpredictable. She gets on best with Brian, one of her handlers, but he still has a scar on his scrotum where she stabbed him with a biro because she thought he was a werewolf. I think she got away from us due to the fact that we've become complacent. She was very placid during December, having become convinced that she was a radiator. All we had to do was prop her against the wall wherever we were and she would concentrate quite intensely on trying to heat the room, although it was a bit embarrassing when she kept trying to take her clothes off because they were dry.

 

"It was very peaceful for a while and we became careless. And then all of a sudden, out of the blue, she threw a suitcase at Roger's head and tried to force 18 sachet's of heinz ketchup into his ear before legging it like a jet-powered whippet across the concourse. She's got a surprising turn of speed. Fortunately no-one was seriously hurt, although Roger's gone right off red sauce. Brian also tried to sedate her with the dart gun somehow missed and managed to shoot himself in the head before collapsing into a bin. He doesn't seem to be hurt but he's been dozing quite peacefully for the last 18 hours.

 

"Simon Cowell knows his stuff and he knows what the public wants - entertainment! So I'm sure it will all be fine. The Armed Response Unit is just a precaution, we've only had to shoot her twice; once in Paris and once in the leg. Usually she just reappears after a couple of days, as gentle as a spring lamb. Like last time, when she got away from us in the centre of London. We finally found her sitting on a bench explaining sandpaper to a walnut. Bless."