The report, released by scientists at the Skopje University of Health, Wealth and Happiness in the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia is, as previously mentioned, a damning one which damns alcohol damningly. The test case for the experiment featured in the report is a young man from Buckhurst Hill in Essex whose anonymity is protected with the pseudonym 'Jock.'

 

Jock initially begins as a seemingly normal individual, who is well liked by both his mom and his nan. Alcohol is then applied to the equation and we track Jock's progress over the course of several years. In his early stages Jock displays a tendency to vomit after using relatively low quantities of alcohol but over time his tolerance builds. As it increases however his intellect decreases in direct proportion, falling well below average and condemning him to a future as a stop/go sign holder, toilet brush or reality TV star.

 

Jock develops low standards in many areas of his life. He often eats burgers and kebabs with deeply suspicious origins from chip shops with a liberal approach to hygiene, apparently avoiding E. coli more by luck than judgement. His taste in women also suffers significantly as he humps his way haphazardly through a series of fetid, flabby arsed pig-witches, often causing them to drop their chips. Again, infection seems to be avoided by dumb luck.

 

It is at around this time that Jock becomes a complete bastard.

 

Jock begins a relationship with one of his knee-trembling, back-of-the-chippy conquests after finding out that although she is ugly, racist, foul mouthed and more stupid than a bucket she has plenty of money after appearing as the house idiot on a well known reality TV pogramme. Jane - whose name has also been changed to protect her anonymity - falls head over heels in love with Jock even though he has become an aggressive, gobby little tit.

 

Jock now begins his stints in prison for embarrassing crimes. Having the build of young woman he decides to beat only teenage boys, although later he will progress to attacking people from behind when they are unable to defend themselves due to the fact that they are driving cars. In the meantime Jane, although young, is diagnosed with cancer and despite fighting it, she loses the battle. Before her death the couple marry, something Jock is happy to do seeing as he won't have to 'put up with the missus' for too long afterwards. The event is televised in order to remind everyone what a money grabbing piece of shit he is. People up and down the country start most of their sentences with "I wouldn't wish it on anyone but..." before catching up on Eastenders with the aid of Sky+.

 

As the study draws to a close, due to the fact that scientists could no longer stand to be in the same country as Jock, we find him hitting the party scene. Jane has been dead for roughly seven minutes.