The gigantic contraption, which has been affectionately nicknamed the 'Twatapult', has already undergone a series of test firings using two large piles of useless shit, but due to a number of unexpected tea breaks work is far from complete. Chief Engineer Dave Watt told Stinky Ponky "We've actually finished building the device, but it's not fully tested. This beast is state of the art, as far as ginat catapults go. It was constructed mainly from lightweight yet super-strong alloys and ceramics used by NASA, coupled with a highly durable artificial polymer which has produced amazing results in clothes worn by Vanessa Feltz.

 

"Initial tests proved the Twatapult to be more powerful than expected, and we had to quickly make adjustments after the first piles of stinking crud were fired directly into space. After a bit of tweaking the next two heaps of fetid cack sailed clean over Ireland and into the Atlantic. Due to time constraints on Saturday we were unable to test the newly calibrated trajectory with another two piles of pointless, filthy, arse-bogies. There was a 92% chance that the arm would simply whip right over and smack the twins into the ground with immense force, but we all decided it was a risk we were willing to take. In the end Simon avoided the risk of smashing the twins into the ground at an incredible velocity by allowing the vote to 'go to the public.'

 

"But if you think we're behind here, the workmen who are supposed to be constructing the massive net to catch them in Dublin haven't even left the pub yet. Actually it's all a bit complicated at that end, what with all the protests."

 

Dave is referring to the outcry from Jedward's fellow countrymen, who are disgusted by the plan to have them catapulted home, and have been campaigning against it. "This is typical behaviour from the English," said campaigner Patrick Field during a sit down protest in the Ha'Penny Bridge Inn. "No thought for others at all. Fancy firing them boys back into Ireland like that, without any thought as to whether we actually want the little feckers. I don't want to wake up to a thud on Sunday night and discover one of the little bastards sticking out of the wall of my house with his spikey hair, like a great big, talentless dart.

 

"So far we've stopped the workmen from building the net by keeping them in Guinness, and in the meantime we've begun work on a damn big trampoline to put in it's place. Hopefully when the ballistic idiots come flying in we'll be able to bounce them on towards America, who will more than likely love them anyway. They deserve the little pissbags, if only for the terrible accents of Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman in Far and Away.

 

"One things for sure though; with the career this pair are likely to have it's going to be quite a few years before I go anywhere near fecking Butlins."