Tweed, who shags absolutely anything with a small enough hole in it, was found not guilty last week, but has since said "I slept with a girl, which is what everyone in the world does, or every boy in the world does, and some women too, but only lesbos, and some animals, and I saw a film with German midgets doing it once as well, and actually not all boys do, 'cos some of them like sleeping with other boys, or not sleeping with anyone at all, or animals, or midgets which I said about before, in fact there was this thing on Channel 4 once about a man who shagged his car. 

"What was I talking about? Was it sex or lager? Or both? Or thingy... that dead bird I married... you know... tip of the tongue... oh, never mind.

"Anyway, even though I haven't done a rape, people are going to think I did, even though the judge said it wasn't one, probably 'cos she was a slag. And that makes me scared of shagging any more women, and I don't do dogs or midgets, or boys like all those popes do. So if I can't do shagging, there's not really much point is there? I mean, there's always lager, but it seems such an empty life without the shagging afterwards. If me and my mate can't spit roast the fuck out of some tart at a party, what's left for us? Makes me wonder if I shouldn't just end it all."

Not long after Tweed's comments were uploaded to his blog, shagginlagerdeadbird.wordpress.com, members of the public posted thousands of comments encouraging Tweed to kick his own bucket. Many even suggested methods.

Peter from Peterborough wrote "Jack, this is the first good idea you've ever had, don't fuck it up by backing out now you shit-weasel. If you can be on the corner of George Street on Monday morning at about 8.30 I will gladly run you over on my way to work."

Felix from Felixstowe wrote "Tweed, I agree, there's absolutely no reason for you to live any more, although to be honest, I don't believe there ever was, you shitty little sex-pest. Why not get spazzed of your ratty face and go to the Dog and Duck in Princess Street on Friday night. Look for Dave, who's the great big bouncer with DEATH tattooed on his face, and ask him if he wants to be your girlfriend before gently caressing his testicles."

Gillian from Gillingham wrote "Jack, I can help you, I work for the samaritans and I talk to people in your situation all the time, so don't feel like you're out of options. I know shit loads of ways for you to die painfully. I was chatting to an soldier who's just got back from Afghanistan yesterday. He still has a live grenade, which is a bit naughty of him, and I believe he's quite strong.

"So he could shove it right up your stupid fucking arse."