The call to reclassify ITV coffee came after Robbie's performance on the first Sunday night X-Factor results show and was accelerated by Whitney Houston's odd behaviour on the second. Inexplicably a number of people initially believed that the stars were completely off their boxes on large amounts of Magical Laughing Dust, but Robbie later revealed that it was ITV coffee that gave him eyes like Little Red Riding Hood's fake grandma and a tendency to talk shite.

 

Whitney, who wobbled onto the stage in a disintegrating dress, was almost certainly behaving strangely due to the canteen coffee, which has been compared to elephant tranquilizers, and not to Confidence Powder as some have alleged. Scientists at the Skopje University of Good Shit in the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia analyzed a sample of ITV canteen coffee and told Stinky Ponky "It's quite potent. In fact there's a very good chance that it would animate a dead horse for around an hour. We found it consisted of 86% crack cocaine, 12% caffeine, 10% water, 1.5% heroin, 1% coffeemate and 18% canteen staff saliva. And 3% dog hair. And 7% Horlicks. And trace elements of marshmallow and fly shit. Has anyone seen a calculator anywhere?"

 

Although ITV have removed coffee from their canteen menu and advised their Columbian suppliers that they don't want any more for the time being, black market sales are currently retailing at around £60-£70 a cup. A relieved X-Factor judge Simon Cowell has expressed his relief, saying "I'm relieved," before adding "Cliff Richard week would have been insane."

 

X-Factor produces are baffled about the fact that even after repeatedly testing John and Edward no traces of any narcotics have been found in their system. Danni Minogue said "It's extraordinary Bruce, their shit shitty shitness is perfectly natural, me old wallaby."