The queue originally began to form as Twitter users broke a super injunction and revealed that Imogen had been tucking the hairy little goblin-like form of Ryan Giggs into her sex parts recently, despite the fact that he looked like a chimpanzee emerging from a car crusher. "There's hope for all of us," said Dave Watt, an ugly hideous enough to make your eyes melt, who set up camp outside Thomas' love-pocket on Sunday morning. "If she'll do it with a gremlin like Giggs I may finally stand a chance of fulfilling my lifelong romantic dream of boning a woman.

"To be honest though, I'd settle for a handjob. I've never had any part of anything female within six feet of my happy-stick EVER in my entire life. I once chased a pig across a field, but those things are bastardingly fast when they're terrified. I can't even pay for it. Imogen could be my last, best hope. I sincerely hope she'll let me at her flange like she did with Alex Ferguson's favourite hobbit."

Stinky Ponky knocked on Miss Thomas' door for an interview earlier today, only to hear her shout "I'm not ready to start yet. I just woke up, my head's bastard well pounding and I need a fag and a shit before any of yous are going near my fanny, innit?" After we explained who we were Miss Thomas said "Stinky Ponky? It will be in my bathroom in a minute. Hang on, I needs to cover me tits up before I lets you in."

When the former Big Brother contestant, who is famous for large amounts of fuck all, finally opened the door to us she was wearing only an over-sized Manchester United shirt and a hungover expression. She said "Oh fuck! Where did all these fucking munters come from? I am absolutely not shagging more than 3 at a time. Is that one human? He's got a face like a donkey so he better be frigging hung like one or I'm only doing him the once.

"Jesus, there's thousands. Some of you will have to do me up the wrong 'un or we'll be here 'til bastard Christmas! Hang on a second, I can see you there Rooney, and you can fucking forget it boyo. I've told you before, I'll shag pretty much anything me, but I gots to draw the line somewhere, and you're it Wayne. Fuck off you moose.

"Right, you with the extra fingers and no nose. You're first. Get your cock out."