Mr The Hoff's confession follows Cheryl Cole's exile from Americaland after Americalanders became unsettled by the fact that they couldn't understand her and presumed she was speaking Muslim. Dave Wattowski, an Americalander who works on the production team for the Americalandanian X-Factor said "Kinda got to thinking she was gonna explode and feed us all Anthrax before exploding again."

Stinky Ponky caught up with Mr The Hoff during a break in filming Britain's Allegedly Got Talent and asked him what it was like working with chirpy Geordie midgets. He told us "I love those guys, they're the best, but God dammit they need subtitles. I'm huge in Germany. I'm glad this thing with Cheryl has gone down stateside, 'cos I was starting to think it was me. They come in every day and they make those noises, and I just have to smile and nod, and try not to stare at the ugly one's head.

"It's getting me into trouble. I can't concentrate when they're talking, I just drift away 'cos I can't understand it, even if the Germans think I'm amazing. Suddenly I realise it's all gone quiet and I'm staring at Amanda's breasts. It's during that awkward moment that I realise I've just said 'mommy' out loud. That's when I wish I was in Germany, where they all love me and don't mind me staring at their breasts. They even let me feel their breasts. And their fun-tunnels."

While we were speaking to David, Ant and Dec came in with Amanda, and Ant greeted him by saying "Why Aye man! Hoo's it gooin' there ya big fooker?" while David nodded and smiled at him with a slightly glazed expression and disturbingly white teeth. Ant added "Still doon't know what I'm sayin' an that do ya, ya massive greet twat?" David's eyes were drifting slowly across the room at this point, while he muttered "Germany..."

Dec said to Amanda "Best make space for this giant fookwit's eyeballs in your bra pet, they're on their way over to ya noo, like. Reet, we best be off to take a piss in his water again. The daft tit must have drank 10 pints of oor piss in the last 4 months. We're gooin to piss in your water again noo David, ok?" Mr The Hoff, maybe recognising his name, stirred at that point and wiped drool from his chin, saying "That's great guys. Fantastic. Er.

"In Germany they touch my penis."