Cowell, who was once a woman, has ignored critics who have suggested that his choice of record will tip some of the depressed survivors over the edge. He told Stinky Ponky "Will Everybody Hurts make lots of money for Haiti? Yes. Will the Haitians be thrilled to hear Rod Stewart during this difficult time? Of course they will, you imbecile. Will this single cause those who are suffering from suicidal depression after the literal collapse of their world to take their own lives? Possibly, but remember the first two. Money and Rod Stewart. Anyway, it's a very fitting song as everybody in Haiti does hurt, what with buildings falling on them and the like."

 

R.E.M. front man Michael Stipes, who has not smiled since 1983, is said to be slightly less melancholy than usual by the news that his single will be used, which according to those closest to him is practically ecstatic for the miserable bastard. A spokesman for the band said "R.E.M. are proud and touched that their single has been chosen by Simon Cowell, and have waived all royalties and rights for him. The only thing they don't want is Cheryl Cole singing on it, but Simon has reassured us that her microphone will be switched off as usual during the recording.

 

Simon told us "Rod will start the song off as he sounds like he's hurt and makes people wince, so it's just the right effect. Coldplay will play the music but we will also get some real musicians in. Robbie Williams will sing the next bit and Michael Bublé will come after him to try and repair some of the damage. Leona and JLS will be in there, and Cheryl will come in right at the end, with a cup of tea for everyone."

 

A spokesman for the Haitian government said "Oh, for fuck's sake..."