People from the length and breadth of Scotland have headed south and begun hastily rebuilding Hadrian's wall after Susan Boyle threatened to sing at them in Glasgow.

Stinky Ponky went along to see how it was coming along and to talk to the people who are building it. "Keep the raving mad banshee away from us," 32 year old badger enthusiast Michael "Michael" Michaels told us. "I've got my dad's old shotgun and I'll be sitting on the wall. I swear to god if I see her I'm giving her both barrels right in her massive eyebrows before she gets chance to lift her skirt or sing that fucking wanky Les Mis shite."

Moira Less, a retired nursery nurse told us "Glasgow's bad enough as it is - your eyes watering from the ever present smell of urine is something you never quite get used to - but to unleash her on the community is something I would only expect from an evil man like Cowell. I hope he wakes up one morning to find that his testicles and penis have completely vanished."

We managed to speak briefly with Piers Brosnan, BGT judge, who said "I give in. There's only a certain level of bullshit I can stand before the taste of fetid cow excrement becomes so awful that you have to fight the urge to drown entire villages. She's fucking nuts. Happy now?"

"How can you do this to the poor woman?" Lady Tartan Shortcake, long term campaigner for sparrows asked back at Hadrian's wall. "You took her to London and now you want to send her back? Unthinkable. I don't know how you sleep at night."

Stinky Ponky asked Lady Shortcake if she was a fan of Miss Boyle and would be attending the concert. "Goodness, no!" She told us. "Listen to her sing? I'd rather smear hot bitumen on my hairy fun zone."