May 17th 2009

Last night's Eurovision Song Contest has raised serious concerns from members of the British public after the UK entry appeared to take the competition seriously.

Joe Public, 42, said "I first started to get worried when they drafted in that west end Lord to sort the song out but I knew that things were going really badly when they got rid of Wogan. Wogan has been taking the piss out of the rest of Europe for years, while steadily getting pissed. He's an institution. Surely it should have been put to the vote. Ok, so they put Graham Norton in his place who took the piss a little bit but if you ask me he took it far too seriously. I think the public would rather get to vote on who presents the show and gets to take the piss out of Europe through the media of commentary rather than who gets to sing the shitty song."

For many years now the competition has had more to do with totty than tunes. Look no further than this year's Russian entry for a perfect example - the lyrics for their track, entitled, 'I Close My Eyes And Endure Your Touch' translate as; "Do you like my tight red outfit? / I would love an English husband / When I get a British passport / Then you can fuck off."

"We're at the top of a slippery slope" said Joe "It's a short step from here to taking the cheeky girls seriously, or having the sound turned up when watching Miss World. Next thing you know we'll be bothering to learn a foreign language and enduring women with hairy armpits. God I hate the French."

"I was scared stupid for a while there. If it hadn't been for the fact that everyone in Europe had decided on the winner before the contest had started I'd have panicked, and possibly injured someone. My faith in Euorvision was restored when Norway won with a record breaking score and a song that was only marginally better than any given track of The Wombles 'Remember You're A Womble' album. It's still very worrying that we came 5th."

"It's a close call. If we continue at this rate we may as well fill in the English Channel and voluntarily contract rabies"

In one respect at least the Eurovsion Song Contest did not break with tradition - every last song was pants.