May 25th 2009

A mob in Scotland has lynched a man who lightly criticized Susan Boyle's performance on the increasingly badly named 'Britain's Got Talent' last night.

The man, who's identity cannot be revealed for fear of upsetting his wife, Vera Way, 42 from Stirling, is thought to have said "I don't get it, at best she's above average and she's clearly a bit disturbed" after watching the performance live in his local pub.

One eyewitness told Stinky Ponky "It was unbelieveable, the place fell silent while everyone finished their pints and then with a sudden roar they were on him. I think he would have gotten away with a good kicking but earlier in the evening he'd expressed his appreciation of Darth Jackson."

The story has prompted other anonymous critics to email Stinky Ponky. One correspondent wrote "My wife was disgusted with me for cringing at the ropey opening notes and when I suggested I could fart a prettier tune she attacked me with her nail file." Another told us "As a man who has drowned cats I know the sound well."

The Queen is said to be deeply disturbed by the incident, linked as it is with the Royal Variety Performance. Sources at Buckingham Palace have told us that "Her Majesty is worried by this attack and by the thought that she might have to listen to Boyle trumpet like an elephant at her. She finds the idea somewhat distasteful."

The London Paladium has refused to comment on the rumour that tickets for this years Royal Variety Performance will be accompanied by complimentary earplugs.