Collins, whose last worked as a gorilla in a chocolate advert for a brand name that rhymes with adbury made the announcement earlier today following much recent speculation about him being more mental than the love child of Susan Boyle and Charlie Sheen. Collins however wished to dispel these rumours, and told a room full of waiting bananas "No strait-jacket required!" which was an hilarious pun based on the title of his 1985 album No Jacket Required, But Please Put Your Penis Away Phil.

We spoke to Dave Watt from the Skopje University Medical Hospital, Nutjob department, in the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia, who told Stinky Ponky "First of all we avoid the word 'mental' because of the stigma attached to it. We prefer to use the term 'fuck-nut.' And just because Mr Collins tries to hide in car parks by painting himself silver and doing an impression of a motorbike doesn't mean that he's a mental. Sorry, a fuck-nut. Although he is. I'm just saying.

"There's more to it than that. Scientists have used science to work out when someone is two lions short of the whole circus for years now. There's probably a formula for it. But to be fair I suppose that if someone forces the top half of their body into a pink rubber glove and bursts into a charity shop screaming 'I'M A GIANT UDDER' we can be fairly sure they're missing the ham in their sandwich. It should be noted that he only ever did that twice though. With his penis hanging out."

Collins, who famously starred as Tarzan in the hit Disney film Pocohontas and the Seven Dwarves rose to fame with the band Genesis, who are mentioned in the Bible. Genesis are also responsible for Peter Gabriel, who is still to make the same promise of retirement that Collins has made, but has at least been given a restraining order to stop him going within 14 miles of a flute.

Stinky Ponky spoke with Mr Collins earlier today regarding his retirement, and when he finally admitted that he wasn't the Forest of Dean he said "I'm as sane as the next man," pointing to a tree, "Nothing wrong with me Your Majesty. I just think it's time for me to settle down with my Wensleydale collection and enjoy my young family, all of whom are taller than Kansas."

Stinky Ponky pointed out that Mr Collins had his penis hanging out.