Susan Boyle and her pedigree Greek-Cypriot Scuba Diving Cat Pebbles have confirmed their separation today following weeks of speculation after Pebbles was repeatedly sighted with that ginger bit of fluff from number 22.

 

"I couldn't stand it any more - the screeching, the late nights, the constant smell of piss" said Pebbles, adding "I will always have a place in my heart for Susan. We had something very special once, but we lost it. Or at least she fucking did. I knew she had when I found her shitting in my litter tray and singing Memory.

 

Stinky Ponky went to visit Susan at her London flat where we spoke to her PA, Julia, who is primarily responsible for stroking her hand in a soothing fashion. "I think it's a difficult time for Susan, but most times are difficult for Susan so it's hard to say for sure" said Julia loudly as Miss Boyle tore around the room dressed as a goat shouting '"frigging bastard" repeatedly in a very loud voice. "She's very calm when she sings but at other times she can be somewhat agitated" Julia told us, while writing on a small piece of paper 'PLEASE HELP ME.'

 

Julia asked Susan if she would like to sing a tune for the nice man, and so we finished the interview while Susan serenaded us with a song that she appeared to have made up on the spot based around the word 'tit' and the tune to Z Cars.

"I think that Susan's really quite distraught about her cat" Julia told us, prompting Susan  to shout "Fuck the cat!" while impersonating someone fucking a cat, complete with yowling noises. "I don't think she realises yet just how much she'll miss him. No Susan, don't try and shag the television again. You'll only.... Susan, get down... Oh bugger. Excuse me, I need to order another TV."

 

As we were leaving Susan leaned close to whisper "I've never seen a man's penis you know...

 

"Simon always puts the light out! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA."