The news comes as Music Week magazine research showed that Susan Boyle was the biggest British export in the last two years, despite the fact that she keeps coming back. Professor Dave Watt studied foreign musical tastes right up until the moment that he couldn't be arsed anymore. He told Stinky Ponky "In hundreds of years time when historians are looking back at Susan Boyle's success in Europe I'm sure they'll be just as baffled as we are. And it's not restricted to her either.

"Rod Stewart has always mystified the world with his ability to pull supermodels despite looking like his face has been repeatedly beaten with a cue ball in a sock. In addition Maggie May was played on repeat in 78% of Greek tavernas in 2010. Phil Collins was another god awfully shite British artist who was very successful abroad last year, even though many people were hoping that he had quietly died."

Stinky Ponky heard that Susan Boyle has recently received a visit from the RSPCA following rumours that she had been forcing her cat to fry socks. We caught up with SuBo when she ran out of breath and asked her why she thought she did so well on the continent. She said "I am slightly amazing. It's been an eventful year; several countries began to float away into space, my last album The Gift sold 51.856 gazillion copies both here and in a galaxy far, far away, and my cat Pebbles shat a wolf. But that's the past and we can expect a future pretty soon.

"In that future my next album will feature songs inspired by potholing, ring tailed lemurs and the faint smell of burning hair on the first Wednesday after Christmas. I also cover The Prodigy's Firestarter and accompany every song on the album with a lovely new instrument I made out of a giant blue carrot that dreams about Spain. I've decided to call the album 'Derek' after my father, even though that wasn't his name. 

"I've also discovered to my delight that I'm marrying Prince William on the 29th of April and that Simon Cowell has declared our wedding day a national holiday, with free cake and champagne for all and a carrot for Rudolph. It looks like I might get to try out this kissing lark after all!

"I hope it's not as unpleasant as anal sex."