The factory in Hertfordshire, which has been operating under the Big Brother trade name for the past 10 years, produces freaks by applying large amounts of pressure to isolated groups of unhinged materials over a prolonged period. Stinky Ponky spoke with Big Brother Director of Fuckwits Andy Tover, also an avid collector of Hi-de-Hi! memorabilia, about a decade of freak production.

 

"It's been a wonderful rollercoaster ride," he told us from his platinum plated office overlooking the factory. "We're currently processing version ten of the BB freak and we're quite pleased with the results so far. We've come a long way from the original version which was hardly a freak at all. The 'Craig' was a bit of a disappointment to be honest. He was chosen as the best freak from a bunch that were far too normal for my liking. The general public seemed to view him as human. There was even a suggestion of him having talent, although this was quickly disspelled after his first TV appearance.

 

"We've learned a lot since then, and we've had some incredible success stories. Various adaptations have given us fantastic results. Who can forget the Nadia, with it's optional penis and testicles? Or the Pete, which you just couldn't get to stop saying 'wanker' - that one was a work of art, there wasn't a dry eye when we unleashed him, still makes me chuckle now.

 

"And of course the Goody. Our finest moment, and so simple. We just removed the brain, increased the volume and widened the mouth - and it was amazing. Remember the wobbly nudity it gave us? Slobbering over one of the other freaks? Or what about it's return where we added the Tweed accessory, which was essentially a male version with all the morals removed? We got all the stupidity all over again but with added racism and bullying. Such happy times.

 

"If I have any regrets it's that we didn't put the morals back in the Tweed before it's release, which in retrospect was a bit of an oversight as he's become a complete sex-pesting shit-weasel, but we're only human after all.

 

"So next year we get one last shot at it, and before you ask - no, I can't comment on rumours that we're introducing a pair of lesbian, midget, hermaphrodite, siamese twins with learning difficulties, a speech defect and extreme religious views. That would be telling.

 

"After that we have strict instructions from Channel 4 to line the entire crew up against a wall and shoot them, before burning down the plant and and taking cyanide pills. It will be emotional."