June 1st 2009

Producers of Britain’s Got Talent have defended parading Susan Boyle in front of the public like the Elephant Man saying “We had no idea.”

“We didn’t have a Scooby,” said Anton Dec, the show’s presenter. “She seemed perfectly normal for a foreigner and we put her oddities down to cultural differences.” Simon Cowell backed up this statement saying “Although I am one 64th Scotlandish and therefore completely in touch with the island nation I do not know all of it’s nuances. For all we knew it was perfectly normal behaviour to strip naked, growl at anyone wearing a hat and chew the curtains,” he added “Frankly I always work on the presumption that Scotlanders are pissed anyway.”

The shows producers have said “I think we should all remember that Susan will make quite a lot of money from this and so will we so everyone’s a winner really. American actress Debbie Moore loves her and we all had a jolly good laugh so ‘all’s well that ends well’ as Dickens would say. Cigar?”

Amanda Holden, who is also a qualified driving instructor, told us she was completely gob smacked saying “I’m completely gob smacked. Talk about 15 minutes of fame. She’s gone from the stage to the Priory in less than three weeks. Not even Amy Winehouse managed that. The woman’s clearly slipped a cog – take it from someone who is old friends with crazy after living with Les Dennis.”

The talent show’s third judge, Piers Brosnan told Stinky Ponky “Susan finally calmed down in her dressing room. At first we thought she was lying behind the door in silent protest to stop us getting in but it turns out that she thought she was a draft excluder.”