"Many of those under the age of 20 have never come across anything like them before of course, and are therefore convinced that 'cheeky' actually means 'unfeasibly irritating Geordie fuckhead.' A number of people have compared them to Timmy Mallett or The Birdie Song for levels of annoyingness, and most recently the Chuckle Brothers announced their retirement stating that they 'no longer felt able to compete with Ant and Dec as the biggest pair of piss scented fuck-monkeys in British light entertainment.'

"But when all is said and done, there's on important thing to remember. Ant is incredibly brave to appear on television with his disability. It's so rare in the modern age to be born with two foreheads, and you have to admire his courage, while at the same time hating his stupid fucking guts."

Dave Watt, a television watcher from Chester, told Stinky Ponky "It all started during Push the Button on Saturday night. I switched on to view it without thinking, and fought down the usual wave of nausea as the northern midgets frollicked onto the stage and cracked some incredibly poor jokes. I vaguely recall somebody giving up on life and dying at the front of the audience while the others laughed despairingly. It was midway through Ant's opening comments that a fly distracted me and drew my eye away from his giant slaphead, which always makes me think of the White Cliffs of Dover. Instantly I realised that I wanted to buy a crossbow, four litres of domestos and some matches before heading to the studios in order to wreak a terrible revenge on them.

"As I sat there slowly filling with a hot rage that I feared would burn my heart out, a sea of memories washed over me. I recalled the quite satisfaction I had felt when PJ was blinded with a paintball gun; the feeling of deep depression whenever I heard Let's Get Ready to Rhumble on the radio; and the vague hope that they would fall from the treetops and be eaten by angry badgers while presenting I'm a Celebrity... You've Just Never Heard of Me. The truth was in some ways a bitter pill to swallow, but the sense of relief buzzed through me like a drug - the freedom! I fought my emotions for a long time, battling with my conscience for the right course of action, and then in a moment of cold clarity I knew exactly what I had to do.

"I reached forward, and I turned off the television."