We spoke to Professor John Wonderwall at the Skopje Institute of Andy Peters in the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia. He told us "Analysis of talent levels indicated that since Big Brother finished Britain has climbed to a talent level not seen since Kajagoogoo split up in 1986. God knows what would have happened if we didn't have The X-Factor or Britain's Got Talent So We Invented This Show In Order To Stifle It. Talent levels would have soared to the giddy heights of mediocrity.

"We measure celebrity talent using the Tweed-Goody scale, first used in the sixties by American Talentologist and pioneer in talent measurement John "Johnny" Johnson shortly after the Monkees were formed, in an effort to explain them. Here's a picture of Johnson with the original talentometer. You can see Davy Jones from the Monkees right at the bottom there, just below the now virtually unheard of Henry Hip-Hop, who had a very brief career in 1967 touring with his cat The Amazing Mr Numpty who, Hip-Hop claimed, meowed with a slightly French accent every time it thought about frogs. Of course, we remember Hip-Hop better today for being the father of a massively popular musical style - thrash metal.

"Today's talentometer is in many ways unchanged, it has simply been modernised. At the absolute bottom of ours you can see Kerry Katona, just below that sickening little tart from the Halifax advert who sings 'ISA ISA baby,' and right at the top are The Chuckle Brothers of course. The current average is hovering around the Eoghan Quigg mark, no I've never heard of him either, but that's basically in between Susan Boyle and The Wombles.

"Now here are the predicted figures for when Big Brother returns to our screens. As you can see, although you could be forgiven for thinking there was nothing below Kerry Katona we are expecting average talent levels to drop right down here to Dave Watt, a plumber from Droitwich who once shared a lift with UB40. Actually, this scale is fucked, that's way more talented than Kerry Katona.

"Anyway, once people come to terms with the fact that there have actually been five terrestrial TV channels in the UK since 1997 and tune in to see the freak parade, we expect the talent levels of UK celebrities to plummet back to safe levels, somewhere around the mark of Pete who won Big Brother 7 and whose only skill was the ability to pretend he had tourettes and constantly say 'wanker' for three months in 2006.

"He's there look, just above the Royal Family."