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BOYLE TO BUY TARTAN CAT EYEBROWS
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March 22nd 2010 Britain's Got Talent mentalist and alleged singer Susan Boyle has revealed that she would like to spend some of her upcoming £4m royalty cheque on brand new tartan eyebrows for her cat Pebbles, four tons of powdered spider monkey and a giant chocolate windmill in space.  It's unlikely that Susan intended to be so open about the plans for her cash, but after promoting Pebbles to be her Chief Personal Cat in Charge of Purchasing she sent it down the shops with a shopping list sellotaped to it's back. Unfortunately Pebbles struggled to cope with high winds near their home in West Lothian due to the fact that Susan had dressed the cat in a hand knitted Spitfire costume. Although Pebbles was eventually safely escorted in to land at RAF Doncaster by Tornado pilots, the shopping list became detached and was later discovered somewhere near the Scottish border and sold to the press.
The list comprises of 422 items in total, only 7 of which exist or would not have to be specially manufactured by confused Chinese people. A further 10 are not really thought to be purchaseable items at all, including; '1) Hello Mr Paper, this is Mr Pen' and '318) I wonder what it's like to be Nigerian?' Other items on the list include an inflatable compass, tiny little mouse hats, Brad Pitt and Cheshire.
We spoke with Professor Dave Watt, who is the Head of Human Brain Studies at the Skopje University of Human Brain Studies in the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia. He said "We believe that Miss Boyle may actually be suffering from Encephalonicallisticalationalismation, or to put it in layman's terms, she's 'Fucking Mental.' Some of her recent activites clearly demonstrate her Fucking Mentalism, such as buying all of the biros in Aberdeen, and attempting to melt the alphabet."
Susan, who during her time on BGT became affectionately known as 'The Scary Freak,' took time out from her Kung Fu class to speak with Stinky Ponky earlier today. She told us "I might just be a wee bit smarter than you think you know. I act a bit mad people dismiss me as crazy and let their guard down a little. That can be a major advantage at times. Now if you'll excuse me I have a lunch appointment with Hitler, Pam Eyres and Elvis to discuss forming a Bucks Fizz tribute band... I'm only joking of course.
"That's tomorrow, on the deck of the Starship Enterprise."
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